I've become so numb...

Well that's a dramatic title right?  I couldn't think of a title so I divert to song lyrics to assist.  I thinking it's suiting since I do feel numb when it comes to TTC.  As my last post stated - I feel like we've been sitting on the back burner for so long that I can't imagine being 150% in.  Which is so odd for me since being a mom and sharing a family with Spice is all I think about.  I would say at least daily there is something that triggers me to feel sad that it never happened for us and it may never.  We have 2 vials in storage and have plans to use them but I almost feel like we are using them to not have to pay $40 a month for storage because I've already told myself it's not going to work.  It's not right and I know it won't help but I'm numb to it.  I've been scorned and burned by the lack of luck (let's be real...it truly is luck given the % of getting pregnant each month) that I've become that melodramatic person who thinks "poor us".  Yuck!  I need to shake it off and maybe it's something that comes with time or when we are really ready to try more frequently vs. just the last 2 vials.  That won't happen till next Spring at the earliest based on money.  So maybe if I knew we had more than just 1 months try left I would feel different but for now...I'm numb about TTC.

But in happier news...our close friends had their little love bundle a week ago and I couldn't be happier for them.  When I visited them and held their child I was so happy for them but with a slight sadness.  It passes quick and anyone who struggled knows exactly what I'm talking about.  They will make amazing mothers and I couldn't be happier!  I love birthing stories and to hear all the TMI details and such and they were willing to oblige me.  A lot of the bloggers do this too so I usually grab some lunch and read on.  They are doing the G diaper thing so it will be interesting to hear/see this type of diapering for a baby in real life vs. usually reading about it.  The G diaper cover thingies are so stinking cute!

I turned 40 since my last post and so are most of my FB friends from high school.  Recently one of them posted "I don't feel bad about turning 40, I just can't believe I'm 40".  That couldn't be more true.  I really don't imagine myself being 40.  I will look at others around me and think do I look 40?  I don't think so.  Part of it could be my sense of humor which is immature really at times and I've also got a heck of a stylist who hides that gray!!  Although I've had some gray hairs since I was in my early 20's but now I have to highlight.  I'm not ready to be gray and the way it's sporadically spread...it doesn't look right anyways on my normally brown hair so bring on the highlights! 

Well off to save the world!!  Till next time...peace!

I said - Hey! What's Going On?

I'm not sure what's up with my work computer but I all of a sudden can't type in the body of my posts anymore. I will blame that as my reasoning for not updating our last TTC event.

Well time sure flies - I must have started those 2 little sentences a month ago and I'm just now getting back to it.  Nothing exciting to report - of course another BFN but replace "fat" with a stronger word ending in UCKING!!!  It's so hard to get all excited and be optimistic and say "pregnant until proven otherwise" but maybe I wasn't ready.  We've taken so much time off and I've worked hard at trying to push my baby thoughts to the back corridor of my head (and heart) so I'm still bitter.  I cried and did the normal - "what's wrong with us" "why can't we be parents" "when's it our turn" and all the other mind games we play when we are left with just 1 line on that stupid stick!  Grrr!!  So we took another break.  For a few reasons and they seem silly in the grand scheme of things but I'm turning 40 in almost a week and I decided that I want to enjoy my birthday with some adult beverages.  We were going to do a trip to Mexico but since we don't have passports (duh!) that was a no and then we thought Vegas but we are not big gamblers so that was a no too.  Instead my super sweet "gay husband" is coming to town for 5 days and we are all going to have a blast with touristy stuff and fun events for his visit as well as my birthday.  I will be exhausted for sure but this girl if nothing else...deserves an amazing 40th birthday.  My poor girl will probably go insane during his visit since when we are together we act like 12 year old teenagers.  LOL!!!  Can't wait!!

So that's that!!!  We have 2 vials currently being stored and the plan is to possibly go a round in October but we will see.  I need to get my head right.  Spice is so much better at staying positive and I need to adopt some of that.  It's got to help right?  Tick tock people, tick tock!!!!

Congrats on some recent BFPs and recent deliveries!!  Take care!!

Say Anything...

Silly side track to start this post from the usual TTC talk...Tristan Prettyman is AMAZING.  If you haven't heard her music...check it out!  Not to mention...ADORABLE! 

Here we are now on day 3 after our 2nd at home insem but our actual 16th try overall.  We had bought 4 vials in May and I have been charting my temp for 3 months.  This temp charting business is a little inconclusive and leaves a lot open to interpretation  but I figured "why not"!  It's interesting to see the temp fluctuate but mine is NOT cookie cutter clean that shows a for sure I've ovulated but generally I think I can tell when it happens but only AFTER.  By then it's too late some say on some websites and other sites say it's ok to insem after ovulation so who really knows.  Every body is different so I'm going with monitoring the CM and still using the OPKs.  On Tuesday I had a decent amount of CM and a very close positive on the OPK for a LH surge so we inseminated that night (8:30pm) with the frozen vial I picked up in a tank on the previous Friday.  We were going to insem 12 hours later with the 2nd vial but based on work schedules - we actually waited 28 hours in between.  I know that's quite a big difference but the CM was still present throughout Wednesday and there was an official positive LH surge.  We will see how this try goes.  Little Miss Flo if she decides to arrive - will be on Spice's bday OR better yet - if she doesn't arrive...that would be an awesome bday present for her!  Fingers crossed!! 

In regards to the actual insem...it was a similar shit show to the one we did last time except we didn't have a cathetar.  We used a 5ml syringe and had some moments of panic with trying to get every last drop out of the little vial.  For those that haven't done an at home...it doesn't come in a syringe at least for where I order from.  It comes in a tiny little vial that's about 2 inches (at most) tall with a screw top.  So if you get a too large of syringe - you won't be able to get the tip in the vial to get the goods out.  We did mostly ok but there was just a little bit left so we didn't want to waste so we did some magic to get the rest out.  It was quite comical!  I'm going to order some from Maiamidwifery.com (Thanks Kari!) for next time...well IF there's a next time (wink!).  We then set up a little arrangement for me on the floor so I could rest my feet on this couch/pillow arrangement.  I know there's some ladies out there that make this a romantic deal...but Spice and I are far too silly for that and it took everything in me to keep me from laughing as she stood there with a flashlight and one of my legs on her shoulder....ass over tea kettle people...humerous!!  Once we got the goods in place - I laid there propped up for an hour while she watched some TV and I listened to it since I was facing away from the TV.  Candy Crush anyone?  damn game!?!  Night two was much smoother but still had some giggles.  I'm now trying to keep my head busy but of course that's hard to do!  I'm working on landscaping and finally doing some flowers and shrubs outside so this project is getting 200% of my attention to keep it off other things.!

In sad news - one of our lesbian friends suffered a miscarriage this week.  It's heartwrenching and hard to hear her go through this.  She wasn't far along but there's a connection easily made after all the hardwork, wishing and prayers (and money!) we put into being moms.  I've been there so I'm trying to support as much as possible but we all heal differently.  Prayers for our friend J.

Till next time....

Since You've Been Gone....

I'm not sure about everyone else but it sure is hard to start writing when it's been so long since the last post.  Holy smokes!  So much time has passed and I should have a zillion things to say...but will stick to the basics for now I suppose.  Spice and I had 1 vial left in storage so we decided to just try the at home insemination method.  It was a real shit show since we were nervous and rushing since the timing worked out during a lunch hour.  True definition of wham, bam, thank you ma'am!  The donor vial was an "ICI" type so it was unwashed and was already in a syringe so we took off the needle and attached a catheter that the doctor provided to us during one of my last appointments with her.  The catheter was used to just get in further and closer to my cervix without going in of course.  We didn't use a speculum since that freaks the misses out so our timing was based solely on OPKs and CM.  TWW was nice and slow of course but in the end....it was another BFN (Try #14).  While we were disappointed...it wasn't as hard as all of the other tries.  So much time had passed since we were fully in TTC that maybe our hopes weren't high enough that it would actually work.  It would have been AWESOME if the simplest try worked...but oh well I guess. 

We have so many friends that are now in the baby making business and one of them recently already had a baby...they got pregnant on their 2nd try.  Weren't they lucky??!!  Jealous you may ask? Of course we were...I cry everytime one of our friends say they are pregnant but then I get over it.  It's my own little moment and then I'm fine and so, so happy for them.  Lesbians have to stick together and cheer each other on because it's not easy and we need as much baby dust (and luck) and support as we can get.  Even though I feel like an old timer on TTC I am trying to learn from their successes.  Both were at home insems, one with frozen vials and the other with a known donor.  One charts BBT and the other used the speculum and monitored the cervix.  So for the first time in all these years of trying...I have started charting.  Why not?  There's even an app for it.  My first period and ovulation wasn't clean cut and definitely didn't come out like I've seen in examples so I'm a little discouraged.  I had more CM than usual this month and received 3 days of positive OPKs and no major spike in my temperature.  So I may chart another month or so before doing another at home insem.  We purchased 4 vials already and doing that felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders.  I was so tired of feeling worn down because we didn't have a baby and I knew we needed to try a few more times before I'm all dried up.  I turn 40 this year.  Heck, Halley Berry can do it...I should be able to as well.  HAHA!!

I've enjoyed reading blogs over the years and I can't stop no matter how indifferent they sometimes make me feel.  I've been so overjoyed at all the successes (after my mini breakdown) and love reading all of the fun and sweet things each of your families have shared. Here's to a great Summer!!

What's New Pussycat?

This year is just flying by - can't believe we are in September already!  It's less than 2 months from our failed IVF cycle - WOW!  Outside of the 'no baby blues' - it's been an ok Summer.  We haven't done anything exciting but just enjoyed the great weather, family, friends and time together.  My nieces are growing like little weeds.  M is now 28 months and A is 13 months.  While I love my little girls so so much little A holds a special place in my heart because the timing of my sister getting pregnant with her was when we were actively trying.  I was so heartbroken when she told us (Xmas 2010) from so many unsuccessful tries and then my sister announces she's pregnant...I could have killed her!  (not literally)  I had so much jealousy and pain but it passes of course with time because I'm not a horrible person and of course I don't wish infertility on anyone who wishes for a baby but it's a green monster of jealousy nonetheless.  I enjoy my time with those girls and truly miss them every day I'm not around them.  I take lots of photos and videos and will watch them often.  I look at A and how much she's grown and all things she's doing and it warms my heart but also sometimes makes me shed a tear that why couldn't we have been blessed with a cutie this same age.  I had the D&C in December and if that try would have "stuck", we would have had a baby in late July.  I had some quiet days that week but I didn't allow myself to suffer.  There's some silly reason it didn't work and I have to find peace with that but it's hard to do when I still don't have a baby.  Well - I'm jumping off my soapbox now...

My last update was in March and I mentioned that I was focusing on a weighloss challenge at work...well folks... I WON!!!  It was so awesome to win of course but the best part was the weightloss which was 37 pounds (18%).  The last few weeks were brutal and I knew I couldn't keep up the "diet" of no carbs and wayyyyyyyyyyy too many vegetables but there was this gal that was in the lead the whole time and to be quite honest...quite a BI-OTCH so of course I had to beat her!!  And I did by 1/2 pound.  She was such a sore loser and didn't talk to me for 4 or so days after it ended.  We sit 3 cubicles away from each other so it was so uncomfortable but I held my head high because it showed her true colors.  She's no longer here anymore so I'm thankful for that.  It was never the same after that!  Anywho - I've gained a little of the weight back - about 7 lbs - but I'm struggling because I assume I have planters fasciitis since I was walking/running 5+ days a week during the competition.  I went from being a walker on the treadmill or outside with nice weather to actually running.  I ran my first 7k on St. Patrick's Day with a 54 minute time.  I was so excited!  And now...my darn heal/foot is so sore when I do exercise, wear the wrong shoes, rest for too long...blah!  I need to go in and have it actually diagnosed but I'm a google person (aren't we all with the TTC journey??) so have tried doing some of those remedies.  It surprises me how much I actually miss the running...never in a million years would I have thought I would say something like that.  But I need to get back on track with eating more healthy dinners and doing some exercise so I can lose about another 15 lbs to get me to my goal.

Also in my last post I mentioned that we had 1 donor vial (not washed-ICI) still in storage at our andrology lab place.  We have decided to use the last one as an at home try - do the "turkey baster" route.  We haven't tried this route yet so this will most likely be a shot in the dark but we can't keep paying $50 every 3 months for one single vial.  But obviously there is a lower % chance it can work and has worked with many of you folks out here but we need to be realistic to avoid a tailspin to insanity if it doesn't work.  We will be praying to anyone that listens that's for sure!!!  I talked to my doctor and she agrees it's worth a shot and helped explain what to do and gave us the catheter and syringe to use.  I'm kind of confused why we need all that stuff because I thought the vial was already in a needleless syringe so I may have to call her and discuss some more.  I feel like I left her office knowing exactly what to do and then got home and explained it all to Spice and then she asked a bunch of questions and now I'm confused!!!  I've been googling lots and reaching out to blog friends as well for the nitty-gritty details.  I am currently on day two of my period so we are trying to decide if we are going to do the insemination this month or wait till next.  We also are not telling anyone in "real life" but of course I had to tell someone - so why not blogland! 

If you are still reading - please send some baby thoughts our way!  Stay tuned!!

Keep me hanging on..........

Hello blogland!  I can't believe it's been just over 2 months since my last post.  To be honest...I didn't think I would ever post again but I just felt like putting my mood on "paper".  I just re-read my last post and most of the "pain" comes rushing back but most days I'm holding my head high.  I have a few weak days...but I'm human.  It happens.  Our plan was not to be empty handed...we still pray for some miracles but for now - we move forward.  We have moments - typically around my nieces (7 months/21 months) - when Spice and I look at each other and we know what the other is thinking..."sure wish we had one of those little angels of our own".  But it wasn't meant to be at this time, if ever, so we smother those girls with our love and find other things to keep us busy.

My current busy project is exercising and changing my eating habits.  I come from a family of eaters.  We love to cook and try new things and love to eat!.  We are a hearty bunch!    It all started early January at work...monthly cake day for birthdays.  Quite funny really...all scarfing down cake and started talking about resolutions and how most of us wanted to lose weight.  So we started a Biggest Loser competition with a $50 entrance fee...11 joined so we are looking at a $500 first prize and $50 second place.  How awesome would it be to not only lose weight but then win $500...SHOPPING!!!!  So far 7 weeks in...down 13.5 lbs.  Pretty excited!!  I expected more than that because I'm considered "obese" at 31 BMI but I'm losing weight the right way which is eating smaller meals with healthier foods and exercising.  It's tough...and I struggle some days but I'm so dedicated that there is no stopping me right now.  I'm starting to jog on the treadmill and even signed up for a 7k on St. Patrick's Day.  I feel so good and am starting to finally see some results.  It's tough to bust your butt and not see any differences.  But slowly I'm getting there.  Final weigh in is May 8th so 10 more weeks.  Can't wait!!! 

In other news...while there are no plans to do another IVF cycle since money doesn't grow on trees...we do have to make a decision with 1 remaining donor sperm vial.  It's currently being stored for free until mid March but then it's $50 a quarter.  So of course...we don't want to just throw it away but not sure what to do with it.  We had done plenty of IUIs with the doctor but unfortunately my health coverage changed with my employer.  I had great insurance coverage  (minus IVF coverage) before that paid for all of my IUI appointments including the monitoring.  Well now...it's an account based one so there's a little money in a "free" account and once that's gone...I have to pay out of pocket till I reach the 4k out of pocket maximum. So we don't know what to do.  We've considered ICI since it's an ICI sample but Spice is panicked about that.  I've tried reading up on it and it seems complicated.  I joked with Spice that maybe it's as simple as we get it thawed and I put my legs up on the back of the couch and shoot it in.  We are by no means thinking this would truly result in a pregnancy but I'd rather do that than throw it away.  Since it's just 1 vial...we also don't want to buy a bunch of stuff to do it since it really is just one vial.  In a fantasy world...this would work.  The simplest try works!  I figure losing weight may change my bodies dynamic so who knows....

If anyone is still reading...have you done simple, at home insems?  Any advice?  Even if it's graffic...I have no clue if Spice and I could manage it ourselves. 

Outside of that...I still read blogs weekly and love hearing the good news so while I'm mostly silent...this community still means the world to me!!  Until next time...lots of baby luck and hope everyone gets what they want in 2012!!  Take care!!

Still healing

I've started this post so many times and couldn't find the right words to say.  I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post and getting near a month since my D&C on the 10th.  Life has not been favorable for Spice and I the last 6 weeks.  We've been knocked down from the small little pedestal that we enjoyed being on for barely a week.  We didn't get the chance to even "really" be excited for more than a few days.  After our low beta start of 14 - I wasn't optimistic till I thought - geez, I should be happy to finally get a BFP - first time after 13 BFNs.  Spice was being the cheerleader for us both because I was tired.  And then the more tests we took - the "tired" turned into sadness and anger and resentment and lonely and frustrated and humiliated and, and, and I could go on forever.  After our 233 beta test on 11/23 we got 570 on 11/30.  Then the real disheartening thing happened when the Dr made me come in and do an U/S because she was concerned it could be a tubal pregnancy.  I panicked, Spice panicked - it was horrible.  I was so negative about everything and hated life because I thought for sure it would be an ectopic pregnancy and something was going to go wrong - middle of the night bleeding, emergency room surgery, loss of a tube, or death.  I know the last one is rare but it's written on the stupid websites so of course - I panicked about EVERYTHING that could happen because why would we all of sudden have something good happen!!!  But during the U/S the Dr saw a little something in my uterus so she was less worried.  Another two blood tests: 12/1= 622 and 12/6=624 so barely climbing but still not going down so a miscarriage was on it's way but they had no idea when.  Options were to wait (could take weeks, months), take medication to cause cervix to open and miscarry (OBGYN said it could be quite painful and may still need D&C later or more meds) or D&C.  I went with a D&C.  I figured I couldn't start "healing" till this embryo was gone.  It never even moved to the title of fetus - so unbelievably sad. 

My regular doctor did the D&C and I went under for the procedure.  There was an option to stay partially awake and alert enough to talk to the doctors - UH NO WAY!!!  I didn't want to hear any part of what they were going to have to do.  It went ok and I didn't have much pain afterwards that advil didn't fix.  I spotted for 2 weeks after which was a nice daily reminder of what I just went through.  I had my follow up appointment on 12/22 and got the "not pregnant" result they were hoping for.  Merry Christmas!  I know, I know - this happened for a reason.  As the doctor said - something was wrong.  Chromosomes were missing maybe and the embryo didn't develop as it should.  In the perfect world and given the choice - of course we would like a child with two arms, two legs and a wonderful, functional mind, body and soul - but why couldn't we have been given the perfect baby after all of our trying and heartache?  Why couldn't some greater force realize that this was our last chance?  That we have no more money for IVF.  That now we are not going to have a baby in our life.  That we will not be a family of 3 because this was our last chance.  Why?  That's what I want to know (rhetorically speaking because there is no good answer that I'm satisfied with).  There are many things that I don't understand but find serenity in knowing there is a reason for everything but how can someone justify to me why I won't be a mother.  Spice definitely wanted to be a mother also but it was a different level of want.  My want is intensified beyond every dream I've ever had as a child, adolescent and an adult.  There will remain a piece of me that will remain empty.  Commercials, movies, people passing by me, blogs I read, my own nieces and so many other things I see and hear make me sad.  Some days are ok and I only cry inside and some days - I just can't function.  Why is this "plan" for me?  It's simply not fair!!!  I know many of you have been here and have gotten your wish so it does happen.  Maybe things will change in the future but money certainly doesn't grow on trees and I definitely am not getting any younger.  I just turned 38 and it would be years before we could pull together some money but then - my body may say it's too late.  It hurts and it sucks to put it simply.

So now what - this has been a short lived blog hasn't it.  I obsessively read everyone's blogs every day which is almost on the verge of a sickness especially with me being so sad all the time. But I can't stop.  I want to celebrate with the women who have been through this and have success stories to tell.  I feel it's my duty.  I just wish mine would have ended with a success.