Still healing

I've started this post so many times and couldn't find the right words to say.  I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post and getting near a month since my D&C on the 10th.  Life has not been favorable for Spice and I the last 6 weeks.  We've been knocked down from the small little pedestal that we enjoyed being on for barely a week.  We didn't get the chance to even "really" be excited for more than a few days.  After our low beta start of 14 - I wasn't optimistic till I thought - geez, I should be happy to finally get a BFP - first time after 13 BFNs.  Spice was being the cheerleader for us both because I was tired.  And then the more tests we took - the "tired" turned into sadness and anger and resentment and lonely and frustrated and humiliated and, and, and I could go on forever.  After our 233 beta test on 11/23 we got 570 on 11/30.  Then the real disheartening thing happened when the Dr made me come in and do an U/S because she was concerned it could be a tubal pregnancy.  I panicked, Spice panicked - it was horrible.  I was so negative about everything and hated life because I thought for sure it would be an ectopic pregnancy and something was going to go wrong - middle of the night bleeding, emergency room surgery, loss of a tube, or death.  I know the last one is rare but it's written on the stupid websites so of course - I panicked about EVERYTHING that could happen because why would we all of sudden have something good happen!!!  But during the U/S the Dr saw a little something in my uterus so she was less worried.  Another two blood tests: 12/1= 622 and 12/6=624 so barely climbing but still not going down so a miscarriage was on it's way but they had no idea when.  Options were to wait (could take weeks, months), take medication to cause cervix to open and miscarry (OBGYN said it could be quite painful and may still need D&C later or more meds) or D&C.  I went with a D&C.  I figured I couldn't start "healing" till this embryo was gone.  It never even moved to the title of fetus - so unbelievably sad. 

My regular doctor did the D&C and I went under for the procedure.  There was an option to stay partially awake and alert enough to talk to the doctors - UH NO WAY!!!  I didn't want to hear any part of what they were going to have to do.  It went ok and I didn't have much pain afterwards that advil didn't fix.  I spotted for 2 weeks after which was a nice daily reminder of what I just went through.  I had my follow up appointment on 12/22 and got the "not pregnant" result they were hoping for.  Merry Christmas!  I know, I know - this happened for a reason.  As the doctor said - something was wrong.  Chromosomes were missing maybe and the embryo didn't develop as it should.  In the perfect world and given the choice - of course we would like a child with two arms, two legs and a wonderful, functional mind, body and soul - but why couldn't we have been given the perfect baby after all of our trying and heartache?  Why couldn't some greater force realize that this was our last chance?  That we have no more money for IVF.  That now we are not going to have a baby in our life.  That we will not be a family of 3 because this was our last chance.  Why?  That's what I want to know (rhetorically speaking because there is no good answer that I'm satisfied with).  There are many things that I don't understand but find serenity in knowing there is a reason for everything but how can someone justify to me why I won't be a mother.  Spice definitely wanted to be a mother also but it was a different level of want.  My want is intensified beyond every dream I've ever had as a child, adolescent and an adult.  There will remain a piece of me that will remain empty.  Commercials, movies, people passing by me, blogs I read, my own nieces and so many other things I see and hear make me sad.  Some days are ok and I only cry inside and some days - I just can't function.  Why is this "plan" for me?  It's simply not fair!!!  I know many of you have been here and have gotten your wish so it does happen.  Maybe things will change in the future but money certainly doesn't grow on trees and I definitely am not getting any younger.  I just turned 38 and it would be years before we could pull together some money but then - my body may say it's too late.  It hurts and it sucks to put it simply.

So now what - this has been a short lived blog hasn't it.  I obsessively read everyone's blogs every day which is almost on the verge of a sickness especially with me being so sad all the time. But I can't stop.  I want to celebrate with the women who have been through this and have success stories to tell.  I feel it's my duty.  I just wish mine would have ended with a success.