Still healing

I've started this post so many times and couldn't find the right words to say.  I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post and getting near a month since my D&C on the 10th.  Life has not been favorable for Spice and I the last 6 weeks.  We've been knocked down from the small little pedestal that we enjoyed being on for barely a week.  We didn't get the chance to even "really" be excited for more than a few days.  After our low beta start of 14 - I wasn't optimistic till I thought - geez, I should be happy to finally get a BFP - first time after 13 BFNs.  Spice was being the cheerleader for us both because I was tired.  And then the more tests we took - the "tired" turned into sadness and anger and resentment and lonely and frustrated and humiliated and, and, and I could go on forever.  After our 233 beta test on 11/23 we got 570 on 11/30.  Then the real disheartening thing happened when the Dr made me come in and do an U/S because she was concerned it could be a tubal pregnancy.  I panicked, Spice panicked - it was horrible.  I was so negative about everything and hated life because I thought for sure it would be an ectopic pregnancy and something was going to go wrong - middle of the night bleeding, emergency room surgery, loss of a tube, or death.  I know the last one is rare but it's written on the stupid websites so of course - I panicked about EVERYTHING that could happen because why would we all of sudden have something good happen!!!  But during the U/S the Dr saw a little something in my uterus so she was less worried.  Another two blood tests: 12/1= 622 and 12/6=624 so barely climbing but still not going down so a miscarriage was on it's way but they had no idea when.  Options were to wait (could take weeks, months), take medication to cause cervix to open and miscarry (OBGYN said it could be quite painful and may still need D&C later or more meds) or D&C.  I went with a D&C.  I figured I couldn't start "healing" till this embryo was gone.  It never even moved to the title of fetus - so unbelievably sad. 

My regular doctor did the D&C and I went under for the procedure.  There was an option to stay partially awake and alert enough to talk to the doctors - UH NO WAY!!!  I didn't want to hear any part of what they were going to have to do.  It went ok and I didn't have much pain afterwards that advil didn't fix.  I spotted for 2 weeks after which was a nice daily reminder of what I just went through.  I had my follow up appointment on 12/22 and got the "not pregnant" result they were hoping for.  Merry Christmas!  I know, I know - this happened for a reason.  As the doctor said - something was wrong.  Chromosomes were missing maybe and the embryo didn't develop as it should.  In the perfect world and given the choice - of course we would like a child with two arms, two legs and a wonderful, functional mind, body and soul - but why couldn't we have been given the perfect baby after all of our trying and heartache?  Why couldn't some greater force realize that this was our last chance?  That we have no more money for IVF.  That now we are not going to have a baby in our life.  That we will not be a family of 3 because this was our last chance.  Why?  That's what I want to know (rhetorically speaking because there is no good answer that I'm satisfied with).  There are many things that I don't understand but find serenity in knowing there is a reason for everything but how can someone justify to me why I won't be a mother.  Spice definitely wanted to be a mother also but it was a different level of want.  My want is intensified beyond every dream I've ever had as a child, adolescent and an adult.  There will remain a piece of me that will remain empty.  Commercials, movies, people passing by me, blogs I read, my own nieces and so many other things I see and hear make me sad.  Some days are ok and I only cry inside and some days - I just can't function.  Why is this "plan" for me?  It's simply not fair!!!  I know many of you have been here and have gotten your wish so it does happen.  Maybe things will change in the future but money certainly doesn't grow on trees and I definitely am not getting any younger.  I just turned 38 and it would be years before we could pull together some money but then - my body may say it's too late.  It hurts and it sucks to put it simply.

So now what - this has been a short lived blog hasn't it.  I obsessively read everyone's blogs every day which is almost on the verge of a sickness especially with me being so sad all the time. But I can't stop.  I want to celebrate with the women who have been through this and have success stories to tell.  I feel it's my duty.  I just wish mine would have ended with a success.

Heartbroken

So I'm writing this with a shake in my body and tears in my eyes.  The HCG only went to 233 from 28 in a week.  The doc said it should be in the 1000s by now.  I said but I started off so low - should it really be that high in a week and she said that at a bare minimum it should be at 240 so she is considering it a non-viable pregrancy and a miscarriage will be coming.  She can't say when.  I go back in a week and she said it could go up a little more or just stay flat and it will then start going down.  I can't believe this is it.  It's over.  THis was our absolute last chance and it's done.

Spotty, spotter-ton

Ok folks - lets start with my POAS extravaganza.  I know it's only 3 but the first two - I didn't keep.  DUH!  They were so, so light that even my own human eye could barely see it but I knew it was there!  So, looks good right??  (just figured out my days are wrong - first one is right, then it should be 14DP5DT and 16DP5DT - silly girl)

These little sticks are keeping me sane!  Because let me tell you - I spot some serious TMI stuff down there.  I cry, I get angry, I'm happy, I'm sad...up, down, up, down.  Grrrr!!!  [insert TMI...you are warned]  It started last Saturday (7DP5DT) and was the light pink, brownish type.  I'm still on endometrin suppositories so I've been wearing a little liner for weeks now so it's nothing those little bad boys can't handle.  Nothing excessive.  That was for a day and half.  Then I got the low beta of 14 last Monday.  So at this point...I'm thinking this is over!  Then I doubled on Wednesday...YEAH!  No more spotting until Friday.  This time it was different - it was more red and really just looked like the start of my period.  [panic] So I worked a half day on Friday and went home and peed on that darn stick.  It was the 13DP5DT and it was much darker and prettier than the other.  So my spirits lifted a little but I was really concerned because everything I've read says red is NOT good.  So I vegged all afternoon and night Friday and then POAS on Saturday (says 15 but should be 14) since the spotting started changing colors.  Gross I know - I told my mom it was like a choc milk shake and she about threw up!  LOL!  So sorry...TMI!!  Sunday was good but still some light, light spotting of the light brown nature.  And then this morning - no spotting overnight but some during the day.  POAS above that says 17 is actually 16 from this morning and it was the prettiest of them all.  Sigh!  Why am I spotting so much?  Did ya'll have that?  I know others have had spotting but is it constant like this?  Again - it's not loads of it but enough for me to notice and to think of putting stock in panty liners.  Ha!

As far as any other symptoms - nothing really. Which is a little concerning for us worry-warts.  My ta-ta's are sore but nothing crazy like you all have suggested and I had a good headache/migraine Saturday night but that's about it.  I only have 2 more nights before the hopeful third [and final] AWESOME beta.  I only have one more stick so I'm going to hold off till Wed morning before the appointment.

Hope everyone has some free time this holiday week to be with family!  Talk to you Wednesday!!!

Double- on the rocks please!!

So my beta did double from 14 to 28 so that's good but again...really wished it would have squeaked a little higher to put a bigger smile on my face and let me breathe a little easier but...I will take this challenge and see how it goes.  My actual RE doctor called me with the results (weird) so I started to panic instantly....normally it's just a nurse.  I asked her if I should be preparing myself for bad news...and she said "absolutely not".  So again - good.  Then she said that they want me to come back in a WEEK.  A week???  not a few days?? OMG!  [insert sweating] So - a week it is.  I completely forgot to mention that I had some light, light, light pink and pale brown-ish spotting on Saturday (7dp5dt) night and into part of Sunday.  We knew spotting was common but I didn't think it would be that late for implantation.  But I asked the Doc about it and she said...it's just part of the process.  If it's red...and a lot...then be worried but for now...sounds normal.  She also said that I shouldn't be surprised if there is some more spotting over the next week - again don't panic just take it easy.  My progesterone level was normal (i'm doing endometrin supps) - thank goodness!  I did take two HPT that were leftover from my IUI days and Ovulation kits - both came back with a very, very, very, VERY light 2nd line.  Again - asked the Doc and she said that HPTs don't even register till your HCG is at least 25 and I am just now 28 so I shouldn't take that result as a sign.  So I'm thinking...buy a bulk bag of HPTs and pee like crazy over the next week and see what happens???  Hahaha!!  Ok maybe not bulk but pretty sure we will want to test a few times before then.  I'm not feeling the cannonballer approach this next week...I may have to walk slowly into the water. LOL!

So ladies - another week!  Ahhhhhh!!!! 

I have a few things this week and weekend to keep me busy but jeepers...a week is tough!  For starters...I'm a Twi-hard...so Breaking Dawn is on my list tomorrow night with early showing tickets with a friend.  yeah!

Thanks ya'll for your support and prayers!  Keep em coming...you helped me double!!

p.s. question I keep forgetting to ask....when I've seen the HCG level brackets and such it says LMP and days after conception...what day do IVFers consider the conception?  Is it the retrieval?  Is it the transfer?  Is it when sperm meets egg? So confusing!  My retrieval was 10/31 and my transfer was 11/5 - so where am I?

Too kind...

I wanted to extend a virtual hug to those that commented on my post yesterday.  It was short and full of negativity so I thank all of you for taking the time to support me and send me good thoughts and sticky vibes.  It means the world!  Also "K" - thank you for sending me that link.  I hadn't seen that before since this is my first time on IVF and a true beta test to report anything "positive".  It lifted my spirits a little bit because there are others out there that started in the same boat as me and had beautiful children.  I did a million google searches on level 14.  One thing I noticed which is weird...it was Nov. 14th, 14DPO, and Beta 14...little odd so I tried making a positive spin on that too.  Anything at this point because the first few hours after the call was terrible!!!  I managed to pick myself back up so that Spice and I could enjoy our 9 year anny.  We had a great dinner and watched Monday night football [shocker].  Mellow and sweet.

So tomorrow is the 2nd beta so we will see what happens.  C'mon double, triple,....something!  We've always had to work hard at everything we "want" so I guess this just falls into our normal routine.  Fingers crossed!!

Well....

14....

yep 14 is our first beta.  I wasn't looking for record breaking numbers but something besides 14.  My heart sunk..I've read the websites, seen the blogs...14 is nothing to get excited about...it's actually the opposite.  I bursted in tears after the call.  Even the nurse didn't even sound positive so why should I?  I'm just crushed.  I guess I won't know for sure till after Wed repeat of tests.

I guess it's better than nothing at all but c'mon...how am I suppose to be excited about that when others are like 100s or 1000s....just sad right now.

Keep me hanging on...

Well folks - today is 6dp5dt and I still have my sanity!  LOL!  Spice and I made a crazy, pinky swear kind of pact that we are not going to POAS...crazy right?  I know.  My first beta is Monday so it's only 3 days away but knowing that so many bloggers start testing on day 6 is driving me nutso!  But...I pinky swore...so no cheating!  Spice knows me all to well...and if I got a negative - even once - I would assume the worst and that wouldn't exactly help me stay positive the rest of the weekend so we are going the "cannonball" route.  Someone blogged about that and I'm so sorry I can't remember who...but awesome way to describe a non-POASer.  So Monday it is...

As far as any symptoms...not really.  I had cramping and little twitches here and there for the first 3-4 days but nothing the last few except ta-ta soreness but with my melons...it's not anything shocking..LOL! So no spotting, no queasy, no headaches...bummer!  This is the only time I would hope for something like that. I was super tired last night/into this morning but again...I'm a sleep lover so not too shocking.  I'm going crazy with low activity and lifting (I know...it's worth it) so I feel helpless around the house.  My sweet Spice loves to clean and do laundry [spoiled woman here] so she hasn't let me touch a thing.  Bless her heart!  I'm staring out the window at a ton of leaves on the ground and so want to rake them up...but we decided it wasn't a good idea! (i'm off today...I'm in banking)  But...yeah for me...picking up doggie poopy is definitely low impact...SWEET!!!  Ha! So that's my "chore" for today and now you are all blessed with knowing that...so sorry!

There is some great news to share for Spice...I had mentioned she's been interviewing and testing for her dream job...well she got offered the position on Thursday...WOOOOOOT WOOT!  I couldn't be more happier for her...brought tears to my eyes when she called me.  It's one of those things where you try so hard but doors keep getting shut in your face...she never backed down and it finally paid off!  This is definitely helping in staying positive.  So with Monday beta day...also our 9 year anniversary...how could we not be pregnant right?  Well at least that's the energy we are going with.  I'm working from home that day and she's off work so when we get the call...we will be together.  We have to be pregnant...we have to be!  I feel mostly great about it but there is also that side of me that remembers the other 13 BFN phone calls.  My heart will break [again] if it's a no...this was our last possible chance with no freeze babies unless we win the lottery so WE HAVE TO BE PREGNANT!!!!  It's the month of "thanks" and I plan on thanking everyone and everything if there's a positive in the end.

Enjoy your weekend...I'm going to go enjoy some sunshine and dog doo!  Ha!

I will take two embryos...sunny side up please!

I'm into my 2nd day of horizontal rest...jeepers I thought this would be a cinch!  I'm going crazy already.  My father in law was hanging with me last night so we watched Zookeeper and Bad Teacher.  They were ok...not great by any means.  I love Kevin James from Zookeeper...just looking at him makes me laugh.  He's such a goof.  The rest of the night was random shows and some DVR stuff.  Today..I'm going to switch it up a little and do some computer stuff, start reading Water for Elephants and maybe a little Netflix streaming of TV shows...maybe old school like Ally McBeal, thirtysomething or some other classic. 

So to the good stuff.  We had our transfer yesterday.  We got there around 8 and they had us change into our little outfits...Spice looked so cute in her scrubs...I might have to buy her a pair...yow!  No worries Finch and Wren...we remembered our camera so we took a few goofball photos looking sexy with hair bonnets and no makeup on for me but it was so fun!  Then the visits started with a nurse to give details and restrictions for the next 48 hours then Mr. Doc came in with the embryo status and the two best were in "B" status which means they were excellent blastyocysts (see pic below).  The other 5 were still dividing but slowed down dramatically so he said to be honest...it's not looking like there will be any freeze babies.  (and I can confirm...during the first paragraph of this post I received the call..none made it)  But Mr. Doc said they are beautiful and look wonderful and I said I hope so...a little panicked.  So now it's official...this is truly our Hail Mary and if it doesn't work...it just wasn't meant to be.  BUT...I have such a good feeling for this and my Spice's career job to all happen this month.  We've had our ups and downs and fought hard to get where we are now and I feel like luck and chance are finally on our side. 

So I digress...before we left for the appointment I had to drink 32 oz of water and be done with that 45 mins before the appointment.  I had a 50 oz Smart Water and added some lemon to it and I guzzled my 32 oz pretty easily.  My anxiety peeing syndrome (to Heather's comment...like a puppy..ha!) did ok...I talked myself out of having to pee.  I also had the Valium in my system so maybe that helped too.  The whole transfer was over very quickly...they took pictures for us as the embies went in...doesn't look like much but it's still cool to think it's the very first pictures of a baby.  So cool!  Then they had me lay there for about 15 mins then I got to go potty and then back to laying down under a warm blanket and heat bubble thing for another 20 mins or so.  Odd "sign" was that we were released from the bed rest at 9:22 which is my birthday.  Spice and I were like OMG...how cool!  We see the 9:22 at very interesting times so it was pretty exciting to have another example. 

Next stop was suppose to be acupuncture but my gal didn't call us back.  I was so bummed!  So we ventured home and during that drive she had called and apologized.  Her phone was on silent and Saturdays are her sleep in days (she has 7 kids). She offered to come to the house...how cool is that?  So she arrived about an hour after we got home.  I found a "slow jams" kind of satellite channel and she did her magic and then she went upstairs and read a book while I relaxed for 20 minutes.  It was soothing.  I heard Whitney Houston "I will always love you" and Sade "By your side"...two excellent songs.  I haven't felt panicked so far so I believe that she has helped. 

So that's about it...for now.  And of course..now we wait.  Ladies...you know how I feel.  I will continue my blog reading and with this daily blog month thingy for Nov...I'm hoping to see much more to read.  Thank you to everyone who commented over the few posts with well wishes and stories.  They truly mean so much and make me smile!  So thank you!

Well...time to queue up the netflix and eat some pineapple!  Spice is doing AWESOME at taking care of me...she said I'm milking it a little when I asked for a straw...hahahahaha!!!  Enjoy your Sunday folks!!

p.s. for music lovers...I just purchased the new Florence + the Machine...so good!  "Shake it Out" is my fave at the moment especially with the line "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back...so shake him off".  Big fan!!!

ET phone home...

We are officially ready for our transfer tomorrow...sooo excited!  We started with 10 follies which turned out to really only be 9 since they said 1 was just a mass.  So on Wed morning they said 8 were fertilized and were dividing nicely.  They had said there could be a chance of a day 6 transfer but thank goodness they stuck with day 5.  This morning we are at 7 embryos that are still dividing nicely.  They rate their embies on a 1,2,3 scale with 1 the best.  She said that most of my 7 are at the 2 level.  She said we could still end up with a one tomorrow but she said twos are wonderful.  She said they don't rate ones very often so I should be happy with their progress so far.  She said they wouldn't disturb them until tomorrow morning right before the transfer.  They will pick the two best for the fresh transfer and then if there are leftovers...in the freezer they go.  Spice and I have to be there at 8am for the 830 appt.  I have to take my valium (never been on it...) at 730 and drink 32 oz of water 45 minutes before the appointment and not go to the bathroom....this should be interesting.  I have "anxiety peeing" syndrome...or at least that's what I call it.  Whether it's going into a long meeting, training, airplane ride and definitely doctor appointments I panic and need to go pee a zillion times.  Of course I will do what I'm told...I'm a star student! ha!  I've already queued up my Netflix with a bunch of TV shows I've always wanted to watch so I can be lazy.  I took Monday off to just to be sure.  With all of the money going into this baby making...we want this to stick!

I had my acupuncture appt on Thurs afternoon...that was pretty cool.  She was wonderful to talk to and I felt completely comfortable.  I've never been big believer in any herbal, chinese type methods of healing and such so I went in with an open mind.  We chatted for about an hour about TTC and other issues I have such as lower back pain when sleeping, snoring [Spice goes crazy] and constant weight gain.  Obviously my first plan of attack is for the IVF cycle so she is going to focus on that and after a baby...then she will tackle some of the other stuff if I want to go back.  She put some pins on my feet, ankle, knee, hand, center of eyes and the top of my head.  I relaxed for 15 minutes and almost fell asleep...I felt good.  She then placed a few beads in my left ear to rub...I'm not so sure about those so when I go in after the transfer I will have her take those off.  So that's the plan after the transfer and then I will lay like broccoli for 3 days. 

Spice's dad is in town so he will be helping me on Saturday night after 3pm since she is working.  He's a sweet man so it will be cute to see if he fusses over me...LOL!  I made a goulash for dinner so Papa Spice only has to throw it in the oven.  I use to eat this a lot as a kid.  I'm pretty excited for it tomorrow.  I'm trying to surround myself by stuff that makes me happy.  My retrieval and transfer outfit consists of a pair of sweatpants that use to belong to my Dad (he passed away 6 yrs ago), bunny & heart socks from my mom, fave tshirt from a San Diego trip and my Spice girls' tennies.  How's that for positive energy?? Goofy...maybe but hey...I'm pulling out all stops!

Well going to google a few more things tonight and then get some rest before the big day! We are so excited!!!  My cup runneth over!

ER

Happy belated Halloween!!  I normally love handing out candy and seeing all the cuties dressed up but this year...it was a little bit different.  We had our retrieval on Halloween bright and early at 6:30am.  Well we sat around for at least 30 mins before most of the staff started to even show up.  We got to the office and there was no one there...it was a ghost town so of course I thought "shoot did I get the time wrong" so we started knocking on doors and finally someone came out.  Tried to relax while waiting by reading the paper...nothing like forgetting your current situation like reading about crime and murders.  They called us back to a prep room and I got sexied up in a gown, robe and fabulous blue booty slippers and a poofy hair net.  Roar!  Then a little bit of instructions for what's going to take place and a few introductions of the anesthesiologist, retrieval Doc (who wasn't my normal Doc..grrr) and nurse.  Off I went then to another room and got all cozied up under a warm blanket and a little fun juice in my arm.  ahhhh I felt special!  Then it starts to get hazy here...I remember someone coming in and started putting my legs in the stirrups and then...POOF...I was back in the room with Spice.  Crazy!  I don't like losing control like that but for a baby...anything!!  I guess when I was coming to I overheard the nurse and the anesthesiologist talking about a number and they said 97 and I instantly said "what!  you got 97 eggs" and everyone laughed but it was something else they were monitoring.  Haha!!  I didn't even remember saying that.  What a hoot. 

But the real count is 10.  During their visits before the procedure everyone said that I wouldn't get a call till day 2 and day 4 on how they are progressing so I've been going crazy today!  But it's now almost 7pm so only a short while before I get the call.  She said they usually call around noon.  I'm hoping for at least 2 good ones for the transfer but an extra 2 would be great as freeze babies  for a FET if by chance it was needed.  But glass half full is my logo today.  As far as how I'm feeling...pretty darn good.  Just like Finch said...nothing I won't be able to handle and that's exactly it.  It's more uncomfortable if I have to pee, laugh or just getting up...but it's not bad at all.  Holding your pee is not an option...if I have to go...start moving towards that bathroom.  It hurts otherwise.  It doesn't help that I've been drinking Gatorade like crazy.  I worked from home today so it was an easy day.  I'm back to the office tomorrow and waiting for the call.  Looks like a day 5 but a day 3 is possible if only a couple of embryos are left by tomorrows phone call so it will be a big day tomorrow.  If it's Saturday...that would be awesome...no vacation time since I would recover Sat and Sun.  Nice!

On a side note...Spice had her 3rd round on her interview process for her new hopeful position...it went really well!  I'm so proud of her and hope this is it!  It would be a great month of November if we get a baby and her a new job and it's our 9 year anniversary!  I'm hopeful....

Tick Tock...

Here I am...Sunday night, full day of football (kicked butt in Fantasy Football), awesome turkey dinner and trying to not climb the walls with excitement.  Tomorrow is the official retrieval day...we report for duty at 6:30am.  Yowsers but must say...glad it's early or else I would be pacing waiting for a later appointment.  My sweet Spice will be able to be there with me me...we were worried that she might be called in for a very important 3rd portion of an interview that she could not miss on my retrieval day.  Phew!  I had a good friend on standby since my Mom does not drive on the highways [lame-o] and only felt comfortable with a small few to be there for me for something so special but one less thing to worry about.  This will be my first time being in a "hospital type" role of being the patient and being put under and IVs and such.  Pretty nervous but hopefully all for nothing!  My Saturday visit was filled with more good news of good lining, good number of follies and everything looked "good".  I was hoping for "great". I hate to say this but I was completely bummed as I heard the U/S tech read my follie sizes to the nurse.  She had a few large follies coming in at 20, 22, 23 that the nurse didn't even record because i'm sure by Monday morning they would be "gone".  But there are 8 over 15 with a few as big as 18/19.  The nurse said not to worrry about it because there were still a bunch of others right behind with 10 or so "small" ones on each side.  We will see!  Only takes one right???  I should be greatful with anything over 2.  I think I just got my hopes up for a football team when I started with the over achiever talks from the Doc but I am completely greatful that at this point OHSS is not going to be an issue.  But Spice has prepared the cupboards with a ton of Smart Water, Gatorade, and a bunch of protein.  So I will be a good little patient and stock up just in case. 

I love Halloween so what a great way to spend my day...getting us one step closer to our touchdown!  Pretty stoked!!  I will update tomorrow with my stats.  Night!! 

Day 7 on meds - 2nd U/S

As Spice was giving me my shot this morning I was thinking geez I've only been on meds for only 7 days...I would have guessed at least 2 weeks.  Time has been going so slow...well that was until I went to the center this morning for my 2nd U/S and B/W and they said it's looking like Mon or Tues next week for the retrievel.  WHAT? WHEN? WAIT...am I ready??  I had it in my head that it would be late next week Thurs or Fri but I think that was wishful thinking.  I was thinking wouldn't that be slick if the retrievel was Friday and then POOF here's the weekend so I wouldn't have to use much vacation in case I needed more than 24 hours to rest.  So when I asked for an estimate today she said...maybe Mon or Tues.  OMG!!!!  So of course now I feel like things are rushed but I'm sure this weekend will drag...crazy little roller coaster!  The follies were developing nicely she said and the nurse was quite excited that I'm sitting with 11 follies over 11mm with 2 of them leading the posse at 14.5.  There are still a whole bunch on each side but they don't measure unless it's 11 or higher.  She did say my right ovary was playing a little peak-a-boo with her so I had to turn on my side and she put some pressure on my tummy.  With all of that earlier talk of way too many follicles for my age, PCOS and OHSS...I hope this is a sign that we are being well taken care of with 11 front runners and this will be a complete success.  All in all...what a great day!! 

So as soon as I get home from work tonight I need to start the ganirelix shots and then switch it back to early mornings with the Menopur until the Ovidrel which could be Sunday.  SUNDAY people!!!!  WOW!  My estrogen level was 750 so she said it's good as long as it continues to get higher which it is so YEAH!!  I go back in on Saturday morning bright and early at 7:30am and Sunday.  It's amazing how I pop up nice and early when I have these early appts for baby making but for regular work days...slow mover in the AM.  Ha!  I walked out of the appointment with a big smile and feel really excited.  I texted Spice right away and she let her job know that she will need the time off but won't know till Sunday for sure.  They were cool about it...so glad we both have managers that are so understanding of these last minute appointments.

In other news...I made an appointment for acupuncture that was suppose to be on Tuesday afternoon but looks like I am going to have to reschedule that.  [yeah] I have not done this before but in reading most TTC blogs...it's received a very positive response.  I was back and forth about it but then decided to call around and talk to a few places and see what vibe I recieved from them.  This one gal was very calm and made me feel comfortable discussing my situation and my reasonings for going.  She specializes in infertility so she explained her process and recommended a few visits - in particular the day of transfer.  I was thinking it was going to be too late for me to start and I wouldn't get the right energy flowing but she said it's definitely not too late.  She was reasonabley priced so I'm hoping I can reschedule my first visit to get ready before my transfer day.  I think it will be good for me to relax..I'm kind of high strung but more internally...most people would have no clue because I'm pretty easy going on the outside.  Spice would have a different response to that but she sees me in the best of times and the worst...that's what real love is about, right?!  LOL!!  So many new experiences...I just hope to end this all with parenthood as our next roller coaster ride!!

Take care!

First huddle...

I had my first "huddle" today..aka ultrasound and BW after starting stims (Menopur/Follistim) last Friday.  She said my lining was good at 7 1/2 (I don't really know what that means?? need to google that) and then she started measuring my follies.  They don't measure anything under 11 so I had a total of 5 at that size with 3 on my right and 2 on my left.  While she said it was normal and great...I of course had to come into the office and back track on some of my IVFers out there and see what sizes they had.  She also counted about 10-12 small ones still on each side as well that she said could continue to grow and be in the running for ER.  I go back in on Thurs morning for another check.  I had blood taken but they will call later if I need to change up my meds at all but for now...she said "stick" (pun intended) with what I am doing so far.

So about the shots since I haven't posted since we began ...we started Friday morning with Menopur and Spice was able to do that one for me bright and early!  We are doing 6am for Menopur and 6pm for Follistim.  The first one wasn't too bad but it did burn and left a small mark.  Then that night I was running solo since she was working and that wasn't as smooth.  I was so nervous...I started sweating and breathing faster.  It took me a zillion "1,2,3 go" cheers in my head before I finally did it (after about 10 mins of trying) and then I forgot to release my chub squeeze so blood dribbled out afterwards.  And then I thought...did I just lose all of my meds?  LOL!  It wasn't much blood so I knew I was being a freak but c'mon ladies...like you wouldn't of thought the same thing!  :)  That shot also was the only one that bruised up for now.  I did a few more myself over the weekend and while it got a little easier...the sweats were still there and they took between 5-10 mins to actually stick myself.  So Spice has been a peach in doing them for me and waking up at 6am when she didn't get to bed from work till midnight or so.  We've got our eye on the ball and this shot business is what we need to make our dream come true so all smiles!!  As far as side affects...nothing yet.  Sometimes feel a ping here and there around the ovaries but it could be gas (LOL) from all the veggies I've been trying to eat.  Spice thinks I've been more cheesey and lovey so she teases me about that but hey...little sweetness can't be bad!!!  Better than the devil!!!

So that's what I've been up to lately!!  I wanted to put a public prayer out here for fellow bloggers, Hope and Wren, that their precious babies stay put and keep growing healthy!  Every positive vibe I can scrounge up is being sent your way!!

Ready, Set, Go....

Well it's a GO for tomorrow morning that is...we are officially starting our shots tomorrow after today's baseline and B/W.  I went first thing this morning and got there a little early (20 mins) so I was expecting to hang around the lobby for a bit but NOPE...no chance for panic to set in...they called me back within a few minutes of sitting down.  Barely got the seat warmed up..LOL!  "clothes off waist down and we will be right in"...it went so fast...I don't remember what she said for my lining but she counted 19 small on the right and 18 small on the left.  Wow!  Being a panic kind of gal...I thought for a split second when she had to put a little pressure on my belly that she was gonna say..."I'm sorry - you are all dried up" but bless the heavens, I have a bunch.  So she said I was all set to start meds tomorrow and I come back on Tuesday morning.  A part of me turned from being nervous to excited!  I can't wait for Tuesday to see how the meds take over my little follies..so excited!  I'm even a bit excited to start this shots business because I've put so much fear and anxiety into it...it's awesome to finally be here.  Ask me again after a week of taking them...I may have another adjective for my feelings. [kidding]  I'm thinking I may have to buy myself some shots celebration pants.  The couple of work pants that I wear weekly are not exactly roomy so if my business is going to be bloating...I may need some extra room for expansion.  Any excuse to buy a few things...teee heee.

So in other news - I watched a special that was on "My Style" network called "Sperm Donor - 74 kids and more on the way".  While I felt it was great to see a show on something that is so near and dear to our family and potential family...it left me being kind of upset.  We ended up choosing a donor that was anonymous but that was soley because of personality, physical characteristics and medical background all pointed to a donor that did not have the ID options at 18 for offspring.  If we had found a donor that was ID options at 18...we would have had no problem either.  But the problem with the show for me was that they called it "fathering" 74 children and his friend talked about him being a Dad...while I don't know if that was their intention...it bugged me the further the show went.  A single mother used his sperm for both of her children and she opted to meet him when her kids were like 8 and under.  My opinion is that is way too early to do something like that, if ever.  Then she started saying that hopefully he will be in some way a part of their lives...WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.  It was suppose to be anonymous and it felt like she was backtracking and it drove me crazy.  Maybe I'm overreacting but I didn't care for the single mothers portion of the show.  I did however really enjoy the siblings connecting and think it's good that the options are there with the DSR but in all honesty...I hope our child (when we are blessed) has enough love and support and doesn't feel left out and feel that extra need to bond with others who are genetically matched to them in some way.  If it happens down the road for us...then so be it but we will smother our child with love hoping that our family is enough.  Is that selfish of me?  It's a tough subject and I plan on doing A LOT of reading books, articles, blogs to help me with that. 

Well that was a rant...either way...wasn't sure if anyone else saw that show and what they thought.  And don't worry...if you don't agree with me...I can take it!  :)  I tried putting the link below.

http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/b7656_74_kids_more_on_way_style_presents.html

Got Meds?

Excited and anxious all at the same time...picked up my meds today!!  Spice and I had our RN consult last Monday to discuss calendars, medications, shots, suppositories, lions, tigers and bears...OH MY!!  It was a great consultation with my favorite RN at the Dr's office.  She had patience with all of my questions and helped lighten the mood even.  Since the saline sono and trial transfer appointment - I knew the meds were going to be lower doses but not nearly as low as she described.  We were so excited to hear that the cost of the meds was going to be maybe half of what we budgeted for.  I'm looking at this news as a good sign that we won't have to empty the wallet (at least yet) on medications.  We took a huge sigh of relief and the aforementioned fabulous RN also had a bag of goodies for us.  She had all kinds of boxes of those little "white bullets" (my nickname for them..LOL) that are not pleasant since they are coochie suppositories but if it helps make a better home for a baby...bring it on!  She also had 300 IU of Follistim and then a Follistim pen.  I will only need to take 75 at a time for the Follistim so I only had to order 1 additional box.  I had originally asked the Dr if they had any samples and she said no...so now I know who runs the show...Ha!  So besides the freebies above I had to order:

Follistim - 1 300 IU cartridge at $248
Ganirelix - 4 shots at $410
Menopur (saline/powder mixer) - 10 vials at $690
Ovidrel - 2 shots at $190
Tetracycline - 16 caps at $1.80 (covered by insurance)
Valium - 1 pill at $1.15 (covered by insurance)
 Total expense for IVF meds so far: $1541

Vivelle DOT patches may be needed after the transfer so a possible extra $146
Additional "white bullets" may be necessary depending on my levels so that would be an extra $288

While the RN was talking about all of these meds, I was rapidly taking notes while Spice paid close attention.  She will be the primary giver of the shots.  Although, Day 1...she will give me the first shot of Menopur at 6am and then I have to do the next shot of Follistim at 6pm (12 hours apart) all by myself [insert panic].  I will have to put on my game face and just do it but I'm sure it will take a few wind ups before I stick the needle in.  My goodness! Ha!!  I can do this!  Before the shots officially start I do go in for a baseline U/S on Thursday morning.  Hopefully all looks good still since the BCPs ended yesterday.  Then...shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots everybody! (do you know the song? LOL) on Friday.  First US/BW appt on the 25th then 27th and then??? depends on what's happening up in there.  She talked a potential retrieval around Nov 4th.  WOW...time flew by! 

Well that was a bunch of "data"...congratulations to those that made it this far! I should of put a disclaimer at the beginning...

Need to plug in this puppy so I don't loose my post...plus I need to check my fantasy football scores...was not looking good when I started.  Take care everyone!

P.S. Spice and I were reading the side affects of one of the meds...what's up with the black, hairy tongue?  Uh no thanks!  As if me being hormonal wasn't bad enough for my dear Spice...she definitley doesn't want to get some of that!  LOL!  I think it was the tetracycline stuff...weird.

Homework

Ok - so I was thinking this morning of all the questions I want to be sure the RN answers for us today as we approach the meds/stims process.  I have quite a list but most are the general of when this and when that but then I got to a question about the donor sperm.  During our IUI tries...we ended up using 4 different donors and of course BFN on all of those.  We don't have any purchased ones leftover so we need to place a new order (sounds funny writing that)...so here's the homework question...should we avoid any of the donors that we used with all of the failed IUIs or is that just foolish since this is more than just a donor issue??  I would think we could still just as easily get pregs with any of the 4 that we used (well 3 since one of them is no longer participating) than with a brand new donor to us.  Our "faves" are limited to only a handful and if we choose outside of those initial 4 than we are only partially happy.  But in the end...most that "vain" type of stuff doesn't matter it's just nice to choose since we can't make a baby ourselves [lame]....it gives my Spice more of a helping hand per se.  I was out of town with my mom this past weekend which involved a few hours of driving so she gave her two cents - which was to choose brand new - not one of those 4.  My gut is saying that if I tried 4 different donors...it wasn't necessarily the donors fault here so we should just go ahead with one of our faves again if available.  What do you think?

p.s. when I say "fault" above...I don't mean to point fingers. I am working on not placing blame on anyone..the donor, the Dr, the Clomid, the weather, the timing, the OPKs and of course me.  It's a hard battle and I take it one day at a time.  As hard as it is sometimes...I truly believe things happen for a reason...not sure what that reason has been the last year and a half but maybe it has to do with a job change for Spice (fingers crossed) or something with the house or with family...mysterious ways...where's my crystal ball? ha!

Well that wasn't so bad...

Yikes - can't believe it's been almost a week since my saline sonogram and trial transfer.  Just like my blog title says...it really wasn't so bad!  I had my freak out moment just before going in and it wasn't much more than a PAP type appointment and an IUI.  Phew!!!  But with the good, there is a little "bad".  So the appointment went like this.  There was a U/S nurse (not sure of her real title??) and the Dr - this was the first "procedure" type appointment with the Dr so I wasn't sure if she was gentle or a brut so I figured this could be interesting.  The U/S nurse does the usual dildo cam and checks out my lefty and righty - both look great she says and then they talk a little jibberish and then the counts...19 on the one side and 23 on the other...YIKES!  One might be excited hearing that amount but I've read wayyyyyyyyyyy too many blogs to know this is concerning.  And before I can even say anything the Dr says...well there's some good and bad with those numbers.  Dr says she won't have to put me on high levels of meds and that means cheaper cost=GOOD!  But I am potentially a high risk patient for OHSS and then she started talking about PCOS=BAD!  Grrrrrr!!!  So Dr finishes the appointment by doing the saline part and trial transfer and they look at my future baby residence...all looks great!  And she said "great"...so again GOOD.  Besides the up and down...pretty uneventful in regards to pain and discomfort.  Although afterwards I was glad that I worked the rest of the day at home...the saline has to come out sometime right??  Ish Fish but again..not too bad!  So I spent the rest of the week googling OHSS and PCOS.  I understand the OHSS aspect but I don't understand out how I could have PCOS...I don't have any of the other symptons except a lot of follicles...but at this point...the Dr said that it could explain why I haven't seen a pregnancy so far...all of my follicles have been duking it out to win the Prom date with the little Studs being sent in to party.  LOL!  Ok - maybe the Dr didn't say it quite like that but that's how I explained it to Spice and my mom.  Ha!

So next up is our RN consultation tomorrow and I think that's when we get the med (nervous about where to buy them from) information and "The Calendar" that I've heard so much about.  I'm still plugging away on the BCPs and I must say...first time ever on them and I think it's turning me into a dingbat!  I did some of the clumsiest things today - knocking my head on a pole, moving a hot pan with my bare hand, tripping up the stairs, almost cutting off my thumb while cutting potatoes...just really bizarre events for me...well at least all in one day.  Spice is having some fun making fun of me.  I also backed off on caffeine - which really wasn't much more than a decent size cup of coffee each morning and an occasional diet soda...so I've been had headaches since Thursday...grrrr!  But my sights are on the TOUCHDOWN so I will make my sacrifices!

Here goes another week....

Quickie...

Just a quick post so I can "say" out loud that I'm a little nervous.  I have my saline sonogram and trial transfer in less than an hour and I'm a bit nervous.  Nervous if it will hurt, nervous of the results...just nervous.  They said it's similar to IUI and the HSG test and that I can just go back to work...ummm no.  So I'm going to at least work from home afterwards.  Thank goodness my peers and boss are awesome about my time away from the office and the ability to work from home.  Phew!  But still nervous!  I also had my OAR blood test last Friday and that takes 10-14 days...yikes!  Wish that was a little sooner but what do you do...wait!  I've gotten really good at that in the last year and a half. 

Well - time to shut 'er down!  I will blog later on how it went!  Fingers crossed!!

Here we go...

First time ever doing a happy dance for my period!!!  Welcome to town Flo!!! So nice to see you!!!  LOL!!!  I was getting worried there for a bit since I'm usually between 31 and 35 days and today was day 35 but there she was at 8:58am.  I let Spice know and what a surprise - she got hers too!!! I said well aren't you being supportive!  Ha!  So I made my appointment for bloodwork on Friday morning so they can do the Overian Assessment Reporting (OAR) for my age.  Dr "recommended" it since it's an out of pocket expense and insurance doesn't cover it so I said at this rate...what's $145 compared to 12k.  Has anyone else done it?  I'm guessing it's more recommended for TTC couples who are older??  I don't know much about it but I'm going for it.  I'm a little nervous to see if I rank low, medium or high for my age (just turned 38 last week).  After that appointment - then I start the BCPs...must say that still cracks me up.  I've never even been on them before so this is the first time.  The nurse said I will be on those for 17 days until Oct. 16th with stims starting on the 21st. 

I can't wait for my RN consultation on the 10th so we can learn more about what shots and how much I will be on...I'm so overwhelmed on how that will work so we can't wait.  I need to do my shopping around for any discounted places for the medications/shots since i will be paying out of pocket for it all.  It's just insane how much those cost.  Goodness!  I've written down a few places that I've seen on blogs so it will be interesting to see how much it turns out to be...OUCH I'm sure!  I already asked the Dr office if they ever provide free samples or anything discounted but NOPE...they "only write the prescriptions"...they don't have any at the office apparantly. Hmmm.  We are paying for all this with a loan from my 401k but it would be nice to not have to use what I budgeted for and just put the money back towards the loan.  It's going to be tough but I'm willing to eat ramen and rice until I'm pregnant if it helps!  LOL!

Here's to a wonderful day and great start in our new journey - c'mon Hail Mary!!!!

Waiting...

Well it's Friday and Miss "Flo" should be packing her bags and hopefully making her way to our house!  Based on bloodwork that's necessary day 2 or 3...she can make a few stops and arrive on Sunday or heck Monday even but not much longer than that!  Tick tock!!

I've been trying to get this hopeful nesting body ready for a little one...it's a struggle!  I'm an eater who came from a family of eaters!  My younger sister and Mom are fantastic cooks and over the years I've started getting pretty good at making new things too!  But with being an eater and not a natural athlete...I also am considered "obese"...ish I can't believe I "said" it.  I was so afraid the Dr would wire my jaw shut prior to IVF since being high risk is not a great catefory to be in.  But with a huge sigh of relief she said my weight was not a huge concern for her...ahhh exhale!  But she said that it couldn't hurt if I started eating proportioned, healthier meals and exercised.  So instead of casually walking around the neighborhood, I've been doing the treadmill, weights and even my dear old friend Jillian has been assisting.  The problem...I get bored easily so I feel like I need to change it up every week and add or do something new.  The Dr. said I need to treat exercise like it's a job and workout 6 days a week...does she realize there are only 7 days a week?  LOL!  So, I'm not passing with flying colors but i definitely am doing much better.  Has anyone else had a Dr request losing weight?

Well this girl had a long week...nap time before the misses gets home from work...then Grey's Anatomy premiere on the DVR.  Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!!!

Not a nice roller coaster....

Finally found my trusty notebook last night thanks to Spice!  My heart was in a panic because I thought it was at work - NOPE!  Then thought it was in a storage tub of misc papers - NOPE!  Tore up the house a bit...but finally the misses found it!  Big hugs for her!!  This is my TTC notebook with information, websites, donor information of likes/don't likes, my timelines - EVERYTHING!!!!  Hence the panic!!  But all good now!  I updated the TTC Roller Coaster tab on my blog with the heartache history so far.  I have to admit that with every BFN I wrote...I typed a little harder on the keyboard.  I also had to refresh my memory about my innocence in the early stages (pre-blogs) of TTC.  Let me just say to anyone 35+ starting this process...beware of the normal clinics that do unmonitored IUIs.  I hung on for "cheap" hope far longer than I should have...10 BFNs before I finally referred my own self to a true infertility specialist.  Almost embarrasing for me to read..sheesh!  So again - all of you ladies...true blessing to have found your blogs!  For the new TTC - be sure to read and ask as many questions as you can in the early stages.  I was a believer that IVF wasn't my path - but now that I'm here I wish I would have done this a year ago.  But...I believe that some things happen for a reason so I won't dwell too much on the past but focus on what's happening now - so it's a new beginning for us.  A new TTC path with a 3 letter name - IVF.

p.s. - Isa if you read this - I have no idea how to comment back to you besides just leaving another comment - still new to this blogging business.  Thank you for your comment and as far as my location I would prefer to stay generic at this point but unfortunately not in Chicago!

p.s.s - for the blogger peeps - how the heck do I reply to someone's comment?  I tried using the "help" functions on here but let me say...annoying!  I'm not the brightest bulb when it comes to technology!  Is Wordpress really easier?  I read up on that one too...sounds even crazier to switch!  None of my friends blog so I'm at a loss for local help!

Enjoy your "hump day"!

IVF costs what??

Let me start by saying...a child of our own seems like it would be a priceless decision, that any amount of money spent that ends up in a beautiful, healthy baby would be so worth it.  Well if I won the lottery tomorrow...it would make decisions so much simpler but unfortunately we are a simple, middle class working couple.  So...when the Dr told us this was the next step for us...our jaws hit the ground.  I started to understand why the procedure overall being that price made sense with the retrievel, monitoring, transfer etc but then the meds too?  YIKES~~how could we ever afford this?  Then it got more crazy when the Dr talked to me about the Attain program which basically gives you a 3 fresh/3 frozen chance with a money back guarantee but at a price tag of 24k and then each fresh try was 3k...ish!  So after taking the summer off and our heads spinning trying to figure out how this will work...we decided that we need to not send ourselves to the poor house and had to be realistic.  So...here we are...

We are choosing to do one month for a fresh try and if we are lucky enough to have frozen babies as a backup...then YEAH!!!!  But I feel refreshed, recharged and feel like the fresh IVF is all we will need.  I met with the Dr last week on Wednesday to talk about the process.  Spice couldn't make it to the appointment..bummer!  I felt like I had a great understanding of what was going to take place because of all the reading I do on the blogs.  It was funny because the Dr even said...so you seem to have a great understanding of IVF...and I said...I've been a stalker on so many blogs for over a year now...these women are my strength and support even though they don't even know it yet!  Having said that...doesn't mean I didn't panic when she handed me a bunch of papers to read and had me schedule appointments and gave me a generic idea of the timing...ahhh!  It's amazing how long the summer felt while we were deciding...time DID NOT fly by but now...whoa!  My period is hopefully making an appearance next weekend and I start birth control pills [insert chuckle]. Then we have our RN consult on Oct 10th and that's when the big check needs to be written (thank you 401k) and the tentative start date for stims is Oct 21st.  Crazy!!!  It's a month away...but I can't lie...a little panic but so much excitement too!  We are really doing this....

What's Up Doc?

Where to start??  Who are we? What have we done?  Why am I here? 

I have a notebook of our TTC "path" so far but it's at the office so I'm going to list the full history on the separate tab on my blog.  But for now...a little about us.  Let's call us Sugar (me) and Spice...a couple of Midwest girls who have been together just about 9 years who decided to become a party of three (or 5 with our 2 poochies) back in December 2009.  I will be the blogger and the carrier and have been a blog stalker for over a year. After many failed IUI attempts I started reading blogs because I was looking for support since we do not have any friends that are going through what we are. I had so many thoughts, questions and just plain old frustrations with not getting pregnant.  Spice is a great support and I love her so much for being there when I would get the results and get one more bloodwork call that starts with "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this...."  but this is so new for both us that I began reading blogs to find some strength in continuing to try and find others that had the same heartaches.  We never thought we would be where we are today...IVF.  We thought...maybe it will take 4-6 tries.  Hmmm but instead it was 13 rounds of IUI some unmedicated, unmonitored...some monitored with Clomid that ended up with "I'm so sorrry..."  I've been told the BW, U/S, follicle number, estrogen...all normal.  So I get the wonderful prognosis of "unexplained infertility" with "explained bitchiness"...kidding. Of course I added the last prognosis myself.  Ha! 

So back in May 2011 was the last IUI that we tried.  I met with my Dr after the "I'm so sorry.." and she said that next up for me is IVF.  [insert panic]  I thought IVF was for people who didn't ovulate naturally, that had bad levels of follicles and crazy estrogen levels...NOPE. Boy was I wrong!  So I took a bunch of information from the Dr and discussed the consult with Spice and we decided...let's take the Summer off and then decide.  It sure was a long summer...but there was no added stress of Clomid, peeing on sticks, U/S appts but I sure did not lose the thoughts of what the heck should we do??  Do we look at all of these unsuccessful attempts as "it wasn't meant to be"?  Would we be ok with no more trying?  Is loving our nieces and nephews enough to replace having one of our own?  ahhhhhhh!  So I again turned to blogs...women with so much strength to keep going...I needed to hear the ups and downs of going to the next level of IVF.  And there is a lot of success but there is still so much heartache.  I wonder which group we would end up in.  Is that kind of roulette at 12k a spin crazy to consider??  So I read.  Blogs have become my blood line and my heart goes out to everyone for sharing their stories and putting their hearts on their sleeves.

Why not?

I've been a stalker on blogs for over a year now...never comment - just read through everyone's TTC journey blogs.  It's been over a year for me and my girlfriend on our TTC crazy train and I find a lot of comfort in reading blogs for extra strength and support.  So I figured "why not" give this blogging a try.  My first blog entry is a short one...want to make sure this works before my masterpiece is lost...haha!  So for now...I say "thank you" to all of the women who have created excellent blogs and opened their hearts to whoever is reading...it means more than you will ever know!