I've become so numb...

Well that's a dramatic title right?  I couldn't think of a title so I divert to song lyrics to assist.  I thinking it's suiting since I do feel numb when it comes to TTC.  As my last post stated - I feel like we've been sitting on the back burner for so long that I can't imagine being 150% in.  Which is so odd for me since being a mom and sharing a family with Spice is all I think about.  I would say at least daily there is something that triggers me to feel sad that it never happened for us and it may never.  We have 2 vials in storage and have plans to use them but I almost feel like we are using them to not have to pay $40 a month for storage because I've already told myself it's not going to work.  It's not right and I know it won't help but I'm numb to it.  I've been scorned and burned by the lack of luck (let's be real...it truly is luck given the % of getting pregnant each month) that I've become that melodramatic person who thinks "poor us".  Yuck!  I need to shake it off and maybe it's something that comes with time or when we are really ready to try more frequently vs. just the last 2 vials.  That won't happen till next Spring at the earliest based on money.  So maybe if I knew we had more than just 1 months try left I would feel different but for now...I'm numb about TTC.

But in happier news...our close friends had their little love bundle a week ago and I couldn't be happier for them.  When I visited them and held their child I was so happy for them but with a slight sadness.  It passes quick and anyone who struggled knows exactly what I'm talking about.  They will make amazing mothers and I couldn't be happier!  I love birthing stories and to hear all the TMI details and such and they were willing to oblige me.  A lot of the bloggers do this too so I usually grab some lunch and read on.  They are doing the G diaper thing so it will be interesting to hear/see this type of diapering for a baby in real life vs. usually reading about it.  The G diaper cover thingies are so stinking cute!

I turned 40 since my last post and so are most of my FB friends from high school.  Recently one of them posted "I don't feel bad about turning 40, I just can't believe I'm 40".  That couldn't be more true.  I really don't imagine myself being 40.  I will look at others around me and think do I look 40?  I don't think so.  Part of it could be my sense of humor which is immature really at times and I've also got a heck of a stylist who hides that gray!!  Although I've had some gray hairs since I was in my early 20's but now I have to highlight.  I'm not ready to be gray and the way it's sporadically spread...it doesn't look right anyways on my normally brown hair so bring on the highlights! 

Well off to save the world!!  Till next time...peace!

I said - Hey! What's Going On?

I'm not sure what's up with my work computer but I all of a sudden can't type in the body of my posts anymore. I will blame that as my reasoning for not updating our last TTC event.

Well time sure flies - I must have started those 2 little sentences a month ago and I'm just now getting back to it.  Nothing exciting to report - of course another BFN but replace "fat" with a stronger word ending in UCKING!!!  It's so hard to get all excited and be optimistic and say "pregnant until proven otherwise" but maybe I wasn't ready.  We've taken so much time off and I've worked hard at trying to push my baby thoughts to the back corridor of my head (and heart) so I'm still bitter.  I cried and did the normal - "what's wrong with us" "why can't we be parents" "when's it our turn" and all the other mind games we play when we are left with just 1 line on that stupid stick!  Grrr!!  So we took another break.  For a few reasons and they seem silly in the grand scheme of things but I'm turning 40 in almost a week and I decided that I want to enjoy my birthday with some adult beverages.  We were going to do a trip to Mexico but since we don't have passports (duh!) that was a no and then we thought Vegas but we are not big gamblers so that was a no too.  Instead my super sweet "gay husband" is coming to town for 5 days and we are all going to have a blast with touristy stuff and fun events for his visit as well as my birthday.  I will be exhausted for sure but this girl if nothing else...deserves an amazing 40th birthday.  My poor girl will probably go insane during his visit since when we are together we act like 12 year old teenagers.  LOL!!!  Can't wait!!

So that's that!!!  We have 2 vials currently being stored and the plan is to possibly go a round in October but we will see.  I need to get my head right.  Spice is so much better at staying positive and I need to adopt some of that.  It's got to help right?  Tick tock people, tick tock!!!!

Congrats on some recent BFPs and recent deliveries!!  Take care!!

Say Anything...

Silly side track to start this post from the usual TTC talk...Tristan Prettyman is AMAZING.  If you haven't heard her music...check it out!  Not to mention...ADORABLE! 

Here we are now on day 3 after our 2nd at home insem but our actual 16th try overall.  We had bought 4 vials in May and I have been charting my temp for 3 months.  This temp charting business is a little inconclusive and leaves a lot open to interpretation  but I figured "why not"!  It's interesting to see the temp fluctuate but mine is NOT cookie cutter clean that shows a for sure I've ovulated but generally I think I can tell when it happens but only AFTER.  By then it's too late some say on some websites and other sites say it's ok to insem after ovulation so who really knows.  Every body is different so I'm going with monitoring the CM and still using the OPKs.  On Tuesday I had a decent amount of CM and a very close positive on the OPK for a LH surge so we inseminated that night (8:30pm) with the frozen vial I picked up in a tank on the previous Friday.  We were going to insem 12 hours later with the 2nd vial but based on work schedules - we actually waited 28 hours in between.  I know that's quite a big difference but the CM was still present throughout Wednesday and there was an official positive LH surge.  We will see how this try goes.  Little Miss Flo if she decides to arrive - will be on Spice's bday OR better yet - if she doesn't arrive...that would be an awesome bday present for her!  Fingers crossed!! 

In regards to the actual insem...it was a similar shit show to the one we did last time except we didn't have a cathetar.  We used a 5ml syringe and had some moments of panic with trying to get every last drop out of the little vial.  For those that haven't done an at home...it doesn't come in a syringe at least for where I order from.  It comes in a tiny little vial that's about 2 inches (at most) tall with a screw top.  So if you get a too large of syringe - you won't be able to get the tip in the vial to get the goods out.  We did mostly ok but there was just a little bit left so we didn't want to waste so we did some magic to get the rest out.  It was quite comical!  I'm going to order some from Maiamidwifery.com (Thanks Kari!) for next time...well IF there's a next time (wink!).  We then set up a little arrangement for me on the floor so I could rest my feet on this couch/pillow arrangement.  I know there's some ladies out there that make this a romantic deal...but Spice and I are far too silly for that and it took everything in me to keep me from laughing as she stood there with a flashlight and one of my legs on her shoulder....ass over tea kettle people...humerous!!  Once we got the goods in place - I laid there propped up for an hour while she watched some TV and I listened to it since I was facing away from the TV.  Candy Crush anyone?  damn game!?!  Night two was much smoother but still had some giggles.  I'm now trying to keep my head busy but of course that's hard to do!  I'm working on landscaping and finally doing some flowers and shrubs outside so this project is getting 200% of my attention to keep it off other things.!

In sad news - one of our lesbian friends suffered a miscarriage this week.  It's heartwrenching and hard to hear her go through this.  She wasn't far along but there's a connection easily made after all the hardwork, wishing and prayers (and money!) we put into being moms.  I've been there so I'm trying to support as much as possible but we all heal differently.  Prayers for our friend J.

Till next time....

Since You've Been Gone....

I'm not sure about everyone else but it sure is hard to start writing when it's been so long since the last post.  Holy smokes!  So much time has passed and I should have a zillion things to say...but will stick to the basics for now I suppose.  Spice and I had 1 vial left in storage so we decided to just try the at home insemination method.  It was a real shit show since we were nervous and rushing since the timing worked out during a lunch hour.  True definition of wham, bam, thank you ma'am!  The donor vial was an "ICI" type so it was unwashed and was already in a syringe so we took off the needle and attached a catheter that the doctor provided to us during one of my last appointments with her.  The catheter was used to just get in further and closer to my cervix without going in of course.  We didn't use a speculum since that freaks the misses out so our timing was based solely on OPKs and CM.  TWW was nice and slow of course but in the end....it was another BFN (Try #14).  While we were disappointed...it wasn't as hard as all of the other tries.  So much time had passed since we were fully in TTC that maybe our hopes weren't high enough that it would actually work.  It would have been AWESOME if the simplest try worked...but oh well I guess. 

We have so many friends that are now in the baby making business and one of them recently already had a baby...they got pregnant on their 2nd try.  Weren't they lucky??!!  Jealous you may ask? Of course we were...I cry everytime one of our friends say they are pregnant but then I get over it.  It's my own little moment and then I'm fine and so, so happy for them.  Lesbians have to stick together and cheer each other on because it's not easy and we need as much baby dust (and luck) and support as we can get.  Even though I feel like an old timer on TTC I am trying to learn from their successes.  Both were at home insems, one with frozen vials and the other with a known donor.  One charts BBT and the other used the speculum and monitored the cervix.  So for the first time in all these years of trying...I have started charting.  Why not?  There's even an app for it.  My first period and ovulation wasn't clean cut and definitely didn't come out like I've seen in examples so I'm a little discouraged.  I had more CM than usual this month and received 3 days of positive OPKs and no major spike in my temperature.  So I may chart another month or so before doing another at home insem.  We purchased 4 vials already and doing that felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders.  I was so tired of feeling worn down because we didn't have a baby and I knew we needed to try a few more times before I'm all dried up.  I turn 40 this year.  Heck, Halley Berry can do it...I should be able to as well.  HAHA!!

I've enjoyed reading blogs over the years and I can't stop no matter how indifferent they sometimes make me feel.  I've been so overjoyed at all the successes (after my mini breakdown) and love reading all of the fun and sweet things each of your families have shared. Here's to a great Summer!!