Heartbroken

So I'm writing this with a shake in my body and tears in my eyes.  The HCG only went to 233 from 28 in a week.  The doc said it should be in the 1000s by now.  I said but I started off so low - should it really be that high in a week and she said that at a bare minimum it should be at 240 so she is considering it a non-viable pregrancy and a miscarriage will be coming.  She can't say when.  I go back in a week and she said it could go up a little more or just stay flat and it will then start going down.  I can't believe this is it.  It's over.  THis was our absolute last chance and it's done.

Spotty, spotter-ton

Ok folks - lets start with my POAS extravaganza.  I know it's only 3 but the first two - I didn't keep.  DUH!  They were so, so light that even my own human eye could barely see it but I knew it was there!  So, looks good right??  (just figured out my days are wrong - first one is right, then it should be 14DP5DT and 16DP5DT - silly girl)

These little sticks are keeping me sane!  Because let me tell you - I spot some serious TMI stuff down there.  I cry, I get angry, I'm happy, I'm sad...up, down, up, down.  Grrrr!!!  [insert TMI...you are warned]  It started last Saturday (7DP5DT) and was the light pink, brownish type.  I'm still on endometrin suppositories so I've been wearing a little liner for weeks now so it's nothing those little bad boys can't handle.  Nothing excessive.  That was for a day and half.  Then I got the low beta of 14 last Monday.  So at this point...I'm thinking this is over!  Then I doubled on Wednesday...YEAH!  No more spotting until Friday.  This time it was different - it was more red and really just looked like the start of my period.  [panic] So I worked a half day on Friday and went home and peed on that darn stick.  It was the 13DP5DT and it was much darker and prettier than the other.  So my spirits lifted a little but I was really concerned because everything I've read says red is NOT good.  So I vegged all afternoon and night Friday and then POAS on Saturday (says 15 but should be 14) since the spotting started changing colors.  Gross I know - I told my mom it was like a choc milk shake and she about threw up!  LOL!  So sorry...TMI!!  Sunday was good but still some light, light spotting of the light brown nature.  And then this morning - no spotting overnight but some during the day.  POAS above that says 17 is actually 16 from this morning and it was the prettiest of them all.  Sigh!  Why am I spotting so much?  Did ya'll have that?  I know others have had spotting but is it constant like this?  Again - it's not loads of it but enough for me to notice and to think of putting stock in panty liners.  Ha!

As far as any other symptoms - nothing really. Which is a little concerning for us worry-warts.  My ta-ta's are sore but nothing crazy like you all have suggested and I had a good headache/migraine Saturday night but that's about it.  I only have 2 more nights before the hopeful third [and final] AWESOME beta.  I only have one more stick so I'm going to hold off till Wed morning before the appointment.

Hope everyone has some free time this holiday week to be with family!  Talk to you Wednesday!!!

Double- on the rocks please!!

So my beta did double from 14 to 28 so that's good but again...really wished it would have squeaked a little higher to put a bigger smile on my face and let me breathe a little easier but...I will take this challenge and see how it goes.  My actual RE doctor called me with the results (weird) so I started to panic instantly....normally it's just a nurse.  I asked her if I should be preparing myself for bad news...and she said "absolutely not".  So again - good.  Then she said that they want me to come back in a WEEK.  A week???  not a few days?? OMG!  [insert sweating] So - a week it is.  I completely forgot to mention that I had some light, light, light pink and pale brown-ish spotting on Saturday (7dp5dt) night and into part of Sunday.  We knew spotting was common but I didn't think it would be that late for implantation.  But I asked the Doc about it and she said...it's just part of the process.  If it's red...and a lot...then be worried but for now...sounds normal.  She also said that I shouldn't be surprised if there is some more spotting over the next week - again don't panic just take it easy.  My progesterone level was normal (i'm doing endometrin supps) - thank goodness!  I did take two HPT that were leftover from my IUI days and Ovulation kits - both came back with a very, very, very, VERY light 2nd line.  Again - asked the Doc and she said that HPTs don't even register till your HCG is at least 25 and I am just now 28 so I shouldn't take that result as a sign.  So I'm thinking...buy a bulk bag of HPTs and pee like crazy over the next week and see what happens???  Hahaha!!  Ok maybe not bulk but pretty sure we will want to test a few times before then.  I'm not feeling the cannonballer approach this next week...I may have to walk slowly into the water. LOL!

So ladies - another week!  Ahhhhhh!!!! 

I have a few things this week and weekend to keep me busy but jeepers...a week is tough!  For starters...I'm a Twi-hard...so Breaking Dawn is on my list tomorrow night with early showing tickets with a friend.  yeah!

Thanks ya'll for your support and prayers!  Keep em coming...you helped me double!!

p.s. question I keep forgetting to ask....when I've seen the HCG level brackets and such it says LMP and days after conception...what day do IVFers consider the conception?  Is it the retrieval?  Is it the transfer?  Is it when sperm meets egg? So confusing!  My retrieval was 10/31 and my transfer was 11/5 - so where am I?

Too kind...

I wanted to extend a virtual hug to those that commented on my post yesterday.  It was short and full of negativity so I thank all of you for taking the time to support me and send me good thoughts and sticky vibes.  It means the world!  Also "K" - thank you for sending me that link.  I hadn't seen that before since this is my first time on IVF and a true beta test to report anything "positive".  It lifted my spirits a little bit because there are others out there that started in the same boat as me and had beautiful children.  I did a million google searches on level 14.  One thing I noticed which is weird...it was Nov. 14th, 14DPO, and Beta 14...little odd so I tried making a positive spin on that too.  Anything at this point because the first few hours after the call was terrible!!!  I managed to pick myself back up so that Spice and I could enjoy our 9 year anny.  We had a great dinner and watched Monday night football [shocker].  Mellow and sweet.

So tomorrow is the 2nd beta so we will see what happens.  C'mon double, triple,....something!  We've always had to work hard at everything we "want" so I guess this just falls into our normal routine.  Fingers crossed!!

Well....

14....

yep 14 is our first beta.  I wasn't looking for record breaking numbers but something besides 14.  My heart sunk..I've read the websites, seen the blogs...14 is nothing to get excited about...it's actually the opposite.  I bursted in tears after the call.  Even the nurse didn't even sound positive so why should I?  I'm just crushed.  I guess I won't know for sure till after Wed repeat of tests.

I guess it's better than nothing at all but c'mon...how am I suppose to be excited about that when others are like 100s or 1000s....just sad right now.

Keep me hanging on...

Well folks - today is 6dp5dt and I still have my sanity!  LOL!  Spice and I made a crazy, pinky swear kind of pact that we are not going to POAS...crazy right?  I know.  My first beta is Monday so it's only 3 days away but knowing that so many bloggers start testing on day 6 is driving me nutso!  But...I pinky swore...so no cheating!  Spice knows me all to well...and if I got a negative - even once - I would assume the worst and that wouldn't exactly help me stay positive the rest of the weekend so we are going the "cannonball" route.  Someone blogged about that and I'm so sorry I can't remember who...but awesome way to describe a non-POASer.  So Monday it is...

As far as any symptoms...not really.  I had cramping and little twitches here and there for the first 3-4 days but nothing the last few except ta-ta soreness but with my melons...it's not anything shocking..LOL! So no spotting, no queasy, no headaches...bummer!  This is the only time I would hope for something like that. I was super tired last night/into this morning but again...I'm a sleep lover so not too shocking.  I'm going crazy with low activity and lifting (I know...it's worth it) so I feel helpless around the house.  My sweet Spice loves to clean and do laundry [spoiled woman here] so she hasn't let me touch a thing.  Bless her heart!  I'm staring out the window at a ton of leaves on the ground and so want to rake them up...but we decided it wasn't a good idea! (i'm off today...I'm in banking)  But...yeah for me...picking up doggie poopy is definitely low impact...SWEET!!!  Ha! So that's my "chore" for today and now you are all blessed with knowing that...so sorry!

There is some great news to share for Spice...I had mentioned she's been interviewing and testing for her dream job...well she got offered the position on Thursday...WOOOOOOT WOOT!  I couldn't be more happier for her...brought tears to my eyes when she called me.  It's one of those things where you try so hard but doors keep getting shut in your face...she never backed down and it finally paid off!  This is definitely helping in staying positive.  So with Monday beta day...also our 9 year anniversary...how could we not be pregnant right?  Well at least that's the energy we are going with.  I'm working from home that day and she's off work so when we get the call...we will be together.  We have to be pregnant...we have to be!  I feel mostly great about it but there is also that side of me that remembers the other 13 BFN phone calls.  My heart will break [again] if it's a no...this was our last possible chance with no freeze babies unless we win the lottery so WE HAVE TO BE PREGNANT!!!!  It's the month of "thanks" and I plan on thanking everyone and everything if there's a positive in the end.

Enjoy your weekend...I'm going to go enjoy some sunshine and dog doo!  Ha!

I will take two embryos...sunny side up please!

I'm into my 2nd day of horizontal rest...jeepers I thought this would be a cinch!  I'm going crazy already.  My father in law was hanging with me last night so we watched Zookeeper and Bad Teacher.  They were ok...not great by any means.  I love Kevin James from Zookeeper...just looking at him makes me laugh.  He's such a goof.  The rest of the night was random shows and some DVR stuff.  Today..I'm going to switch it up a little and do some computer stuff, start reading Water for Elephants and maybe a little Netflix streaming of TV shows...maybe old school like Ally McBeal, thirtysomething or some other classic. 

So to the good stuff.  We had our transfer yesterday.  We got there around 8 and they had us change into our little outfits...Spice looked so cute in her scrubs...I might have to buy her a pair...yow!  No worries Finch and Wren...we remembered our camera so we took a few goofball photos looking sexy with hair bonnets and no makeup on for me but it was so fun!  Then the visits started with a nurse to give details and restrictions for the next 48 hours then Mr. Doc came in with the embryo status and the two best were in "B" status which means they were excellent blastyocysts (see pic below).  The other 5 were still dividing but slowed down dramatically so he said to be honest...it's not looking like there will be any freeze babies.  (and I can confirm...during the first paragraph of this post I received the call..none made it)  But Mr. Doc said they are beautiful and look wonderful and I said I hope so...a little panicked.  So now it's official...this is truly our Hail Mary and if it doesn't work...it just wasn't meant to be.  BUT...I have such a good feeling for this and my Spice's career job to all happen this month.  We've had our ups and downs and fought hard to get where we are now and I feel like luck and chance are finally on our side. 

So I digress...before we left for the appointment I had to drink 32 oz of water and be done with that 45 mins before the appointment.  I had a 50 oz Smart Water and added some lemon to it and I guzzled my 32 oz pretty easily.  My anxiety peeing syndrome (to Heather's comment...like a puppy..ha!) did ok...I talked myself out of having to pee.  I also had the Valium in my system so maybe that helped too.  The whole transfer was over very quickly...they took pictures for us as the embies went in...doesn't look like much but it's still cool to think it's the very first pictures of a baby.  So cool!  Then they had me lay there for about 15 mins then I got to go potty and then back to laying down under a warm blanket and heat bubble thing for another 20 mins or so.  Odd "sign" was that we were released from the bed rest at 9:22 which is my birthday.  Spice and I were like OMG...how cool!  We see the 9:22 at very interesting times so it was pretty exciting to have another example. 

Next stop was suppose to be acupuncture but my gal didn't call us back.  I was so bummed!  So we ventured home and during that drive she had called and apologized.  Her phone was on silent and Saturdays are her sleep in days (she has 7 kids). She offered to come to the house...how cool is that?  So she arrived about an hour after we got home.  I found a "slow jams" kind of satellite channel and she did her magic and then she went upstairs and read a book while I relaxed for 20 minutes.  It was soothing.  I heard Whitney Houston "I will always love you" and Sade "By your side"...two excellent songs.  I haven't felt panicked so far so I believe that she has helped. 

So that's about it...for now.  And of course..now we wait.  Ladies...you know how I feel.  I will continue my blog reading and with this daily blog month thingy for Nov...I'm hoping to see much more to read.  Thank you to everyone who commented over the few posts with well wishes and stories.  They truly mean so much and make me smile!  So thank you!

Well...time to queue up the netflix and eat some pineapple!  Spice is doing AWESOME at taking care of me...she said I'm milking it a little when I asked for a straw...hahahahaha!!!  Enjoy your Sunday folks!!

p.s. for music lovers...I just purchased the new Florence + the Machine...so good!  "Shake it Out" is my fave at the moment especially with the line "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back...so shake him off".  Big fan!!!

ET phone home...

We are officially ready for our transfer tomorrow...sooo excited!  We started with 10 follies which turned out to really only be 9 since they said 1 was just a mass.  So on Wed morning they said 8 were fertilized and were dividing nicely.  They had said there could be a chance of a day 6 transfer but thank goodness they stuck with day 5.  This morning we are at 7 embryos that are still dividing nicely.  They rate their embies on a 1,2,3 scale with 1 the best.  She said that most of my 7 are at the 2 level.  She said we could still end up with a one tomorrow but she said twos are wonderful.  She said they don't rate ones very often so I should be happy with their progress so far.  She said they wouldn't disturb them until tomorrow morning right before the transfer.  They will pick the two best for the fresh transfer and then if there are leftovers...in the freezer they go.  Spice and I have to be there at 8am for the 830 appt.  I have to take my valium (never been on it...) at 730 and drink 32 oz of water 45 minutes before the appointment and not go to the bathroom....this should be interesting.  I have "anxiety peeing" syndrome...or at least that's what I call it.  Whether it's going into a long meeting, training, airplane ride and definitely doctor appointments I panic and need to go pee a zillion times.  Of course I will do what I'm told...I'm a star student! ha!  I've already queued up my Netflix with a bunch of TV shows I've always wanted to watch so I can be lazy.  I took Monday off to just to be sure.  With all of the money going into this baby making...we want this to stick!

I had my acupuncture appt on Thurs afternoon...that was pretty cool.  She was wonderful to talk to and I felt completely comfortable.  I've never been big believer in any herbal, chinese type methods of healing and such so I went in with an open mind.  We chatted for about an hour about TTC and other issues I have such as lower back pain when sleeping, snoring [Spice goes crazy] and constant weight gain.  Obviously my first plan of attack is for the IVF cycle so she is going to focus on that and after a baby...then she will tackle some of the other stuff if I want to go back.  She put some pins on my feet, ankle, knee, hand, center of eyes and the top of my head.  I relaxed for 15 minutes and almost fell asleep...I felt good.  She then placed a few beads in my left ear to rub...I'm not so sure about those so when I go in after the transfer I will have her take those off.  So that's the plan after the transfer and then I will lay like broccoli for 3 days. 

Spice's dad is in town so he will be helping me on Saturday night after 3pm since she is working.  He's a sweet man so it will be cute to see if he fusses over me...LOL!  I made a goulash for dinner so Papa Spice only has to throw it in the oven.  I use to eat this a lot as a kid.  I'm pretty excited for it tomorrow.  I'm trying to surround myself by stuff that makes me happy.  My retrieval and transfer outfit consists of a pair of sweatpants that use to belong to my Dad (he passed away 6 yrs ago), bunny & heart socks from my mom, fave tshirt from a San Diego trip and my Spice girls' tennies.  How's that for positive energy?? Goofy...maybe but hey...I'm pulling out all stops!

Well going to google a few more things tonight and then get some rest before the big day! We are so excited!!!  My cup runneth over!

ER

Happy belated Halloween!!  I normally love handing out candy and seeing all the cuties dressed up but this year...it was a little bit different.  We had our retrieval on Halloween bright and early at 6:30am.  Well we sat around for at least 30 mins before most of the staff started to even show up.  We got to the office and there was no one there...it was a ghost town so of course I thought "shoot did I get the time wrong" so we started knocking on doors and finally someone came out.  Tried to relax while waiting by reading the paper...nothing like forgetting your current situation like reading about crime and murders.  They called us back to a prep room and I got sexied up in a gown, robe and fabulous blue booty slippers and a poofy hair net.  Roar!  Then a little bit of instructions for what's going to take place and a few introductions of the anesthesiologist, retrieval Doc (who wasn't my normal Doc..grrr) and nurse.  Off I went then to another room and got all cozied up under a warm blanket and a little fun juice in my arm.  ahhhh I felt special!  Then it starts to get hazy here...I remember someone coming in and started putting my legs in the stirrups and then...POOF...I was back in the room with Spice.  Crazy!  I don't like losing control like that but for a baby...anything!!  I guess when I was coming to I overheard the nurse and the anesthesiologist talking about a number and they said 97 and I instantly said "what!  you got 97 eggs" and everyone laughed but it was something else they were monitoring.  Haha!!  I didn't even remember saying that.  What a hoot. 

But the real count is 10.  During their visits before the procedure everyone said that I wouldn't get a call till day 2 and day 4 on how they are progressing so I've been going crazy today!  But it's now almost 7pm so only a short while before I get the call.  She said they usually call around noon.  I'm hoping for at least 2 good ones for the transfer but an extra 2 would be great as freeze babies  for a FET if by chance it was needed.  But glass half full is my logo today.  As far as how I'm feeling...pretty darn good.  Just like Finch said...nothing I won't be able to handle and that's exactly it.  It's more uncomfortable if I have to pee, laugh or just getting up...but it's not bad at all.  Holding your pee is not an option...if I have to go...start moving towards that bathroom.  It hurts otherwise.  It doesn't help that I've been drinking Gatorade like crazy.  I worked from home today so it was an easy day.  I'm back to the office tomorrow and waiting for the call.  Looks like a day 5 but a day 3 is possible if only a couple of embryos are left by tomorrows phone call so it will be a big day tomorrow.  If it's Saturday...that would be awesome...no vacation time since I would recover Sat and Sun.  Nice!

On a side note...Spice had her 3rd round on her interview process for her new hopeful position...it went really well!  I'm so proud of her and hope this is it!  It would be a great month of November if we get a baby and her a new job and it's our 9 year anniversary!  I'm hopeful....