I've become so numb...

Well that's a dramatic title right?  I couldn't think of a title so I divert to song lyrics to assist.  I thinking it's suiting since I do feel numb when it comes to TTC.  As my last post stated - I feel like we've been sitting on the back burner for so long that I can't imagine being 150% in.  Which is so odd for me since being a mom and sharing a family with Spice is all I think about.  I would say at least daily there is something that triggers me to feel sad that it never happened for us and it may never.  We have 2 vials in storage and have plans to use them but I almost feel like we are using them to not have to pay $40 a month for storage because I've already told myself it's not going to work.  It's not right and I know it won't help but I'm numb to it.  I've been scorned and burned by the lack of luck (let's be real...it truly is luck given the % of getting pregnant each month) that I've become that melodramatic person who thinks "poor us".  Yuck!  I need to shake it off and maybe it's something that comes with time or when we are really ready to try more frequently vs. just the last 2 vials.  That won't happen till next Spring at the earliest based on money.  So maybe if I knew we had more than just 1 months try left I would feel different but for now...I'm numb about TTC.

But in happier news...our close friends had their little love bundle a week ago and I couldn't be happier for them.  When I visited them and held their child I was so happy for them but with a slight sadness.  It passes quick and anyone who struggled knows exactly what I'm talking about.  They will make amazing mothers and I couldn't be happier!  I love birthing stories and to hear all the TMI details and such and they were willing to oblige me.  A lot of the bloggers do this too so I usually grab some lunch and read on.  They are doing the G diaper thing so it will be interesting to hear/see this type of diapering for a baby in real life vs. usually reading about it.  The G diaper cover thingies are so stinking cute!

I turned 40 since my last post and so are most of my FB friends from high school.  Recently one of them posted "I don't feel bad about turning 40, I just can't believe I'm 40".  That couldn't be more true.  I really don't imagine myself being 40.  I will look at others around me and think do I look 40?  I don't think so.  Part of it could be my sense of humor which is immature really at times and I've also got a heck of a stylist who hides that gray!!  Although I've had some gray hairs since I was in my early 20's but now I have to highlight.  I'm not ready to be gray and the way it's sporadically spread...it doesn't look right anyways on my normally brown hair so bring on the highlights! 

Well off to save the world!!  Till next time...peace!

I said - Hey! What's Going On?

I'm not sure what's up with my work computer but I all of a sudden can't type in the body of my posts anymore. I will blame that as my reasoning for not updating our last TTC event.

Well time sure flies - I must have started those 2 little sentences a month ago and I'm just now getting back to it.  Nothing exciting to report - of course another BFN but replace "fat" with a stronger word ending in UCKING!!!  It's so hard to get all excited and be optimistic and say "pregnant until proven otherwise" but maybe I wasn't ready.  We've taken so much time off and I've worked hard at trying to push my baby thoughts to the back corridor of my head (and heart) so I'm still bitter.  I cried and did the normal - "what's wrong with us" "why can't we be parents" "when's it our turn" and all the other mind games we play when we are left with just 1 line on that stupid stick!  Grrr!!  So we took another break.  For a few reasons and they seem silly in the grand scheme of things but I'm turning 40 in almost a week and I decided that I want to enjoy my birthday with some adult beverages.  We were going to do a trip to Mexico but since we don't have passports (duh!) that was a no and then we thought Vegas but we are not big gamblers so that was a no too.  Instead my super sweet "gay husband" is coming to town for 5 days and we are all going to have a blast with touristy stuff and fun events for his visit as well as my birthday.  I will be exhausted for sure but this girl if nothing else...deserves an amazing 40th birthday.  My poor girl will probably go insane during his visit since when we are together we act like 12 year old teenagers.  LOL!!!  Can't wait!!

So that's that!!!  We have 2 vials currently being stored and the plan is to possibly go a round in October but we will see.  I need to get my head right.  Spice is so much better at staying positive and I need to adopt some of that.  It's got to help right?  Tick tock people, tick tock!!!!

Congrats on some recent BFPs and recent deliveries!!  Take care!!

Say Anything...

Silly side track to start this post from the usual TTC talk...Tristan Prettyman is AMAZING.  If you haven't heard her music...check it out!  Not to mention...ADORABLE! 

Here we are now on day 3 after our 2nd at home insem but our actual 16th try overall.  We had bought 4 vials in May and I have been charting my temp for 3 months.  This temp charting business is a little inconclusive and leaves a lot open to interpretation  but I figured "why not"!  It's interesting to see the temp fluctuate but mine is NOT cookie cutter clean that shows a for sure I've ovulated but generally I think I can tell when it happens but only AFTER.  By then it's too late some say on some websites and other sites say it's ok to insem after ovulation so who really knows.  Every body is different so I'm going with monitoring the CM and still using the OPKs.  On Tuesday I had a decent amount of CM and a very close positive on the OPK for a LH surge so we inseminated that night (8:30pm) with the frozen vial I picked up in a tank on the previous Friday.  We were going to insem 12 hours later with the 2nd vial but based on work schedules - we actually waited 28 hours in between.  I know that's quite a big difference but the CM was still present throughout Wednesday and there was an official positive LH surge.  We will see how this try goes.  Little Miss Flo if she decides to arrive - will be on Spice's bday OR better yet - if she doesn't arrive...that would be an awesome bday present for her!  Fingers crossed!! 

In regards to the actual insem...it was a similar shit show to the one we did last time except we didn't have a cathetar.  We used a 5ml syringe and had some moments of panic with trying to get every last drop out of the little vial.  For those that haven't done an at home...it doesn't come in a syringe at least for where I order from.  It comes in a tiny little vial that's about 2 inches (at most) tall with a screw top.  So if you get a too large of syringe - you won't be able to get the tip in the vial to get the goods out.  We did mostly ok but there was just a little bit left so we didn't want to waste so we did some magic to get the rest out.  It was quite comical!  I'm going to order some from Maiamidwifery.com (Thanks Kari!) for next time...well IF there's a next time (wink!).  We then set up a little arrangement for me on the floor so I could rest my feet on this couch/pillow arrangement.  I know there's some ladies out there that make this a romantic deal...but Spice and I are far too silly for that and it took everything in me to keep me from laughing as she stood there with a flashlight and one of my legs on her shoulder....ass over tea kettle people...humerous!!  Once we got the goods in place - I laid there propped up for an hour while she watched some TV and I listened to it since I was facing away from the TV.  Candy Crush anyone?  damn game!?!  Night two was much smoother but still had some giggles.  I'm now trying to keep my head busy but of course that's hard to do!  I'm working on landscaping and finally doing some flowers and shrubs outside so this project is getting 200% of my attention to keep it off other things.!

In sad news - one of our lesbian friends suffered a miscarriage this week.  It's heartwrenching and hard to hear her go through this.  She wasn't far along but there's a connection easily made after all the hardwork, wishing and prayers (and money!) we put into being moms.  I've been there so I'm trying to support as much as possible but we all heal differently.  Prayers for our friend J.

Till next time....

Since You've Been Gone....

I'm not sure about everyone else but it sure is hard to start writing when it's been so long since the last post.  Holy smokes!  So much time has passed and I should have a zillion things to say...but will stick to the basics for now I suppose.  Spice and I had 1 vial left in storage so we decided to just try the at home insemination method.  It was a real shit show since we were nervous and rushing since the timing worked out during a lunch hour.  True definition of wham, bam, thank you ma'am!  The donor vial was an "ICI" type so it was unwashed and was already in a syringe so we took off the needle and attached a catheter that the doctor provided to us during one of my last appointments with her.  The catheter was used to just get in further and closer to my cervix without going in of course.  We didn't use a speculum since that freaks the misses out so our timing was based solely on OPKs and CM.  TWW was nice and slow of course but in the end....it was another BFN (Try #14).  While we were disappointed...it wasn't as hard as all of the other tries.  So much time had passed since we were fully in TTC that maybe our hopes weren't high enough that it would actually work.  It would have been AWESOME if the simplest try worked...but oh well I guess. 

We have so many friends that are now in the baby making business and one of them recently already had a baby...they got pregnant on their 2nd try.  Weren't they lucky??!!  Jealous you may ask? Of course we were...I cry everytime one of our friends say they are pregnant but then I get over it.  It's my own little moment and then I'm fine and so, so happy for them.  Lesbians have to stick together and cheer each other on because it's not easy and we need as much baby dust (and luck) and support as we can get.  Even though I feel like an old timer on TTC I am trying to learn from their successes.  Both were at home insems, one with frozen vials and the other with a known donor.  One charts BBT and the other used the speculum and monitored the cervix.  So for the first time in all these years of trying...I have started charting.  Why not?  There's even an app for it.  My first period and ovulation wasn't clean cut and definitely didn't come out like I've seen in examples so I'm a little discouraged.  I had more CM than usual this month and received 3 days of positive OPKs and no major spike in my temperature.  So I may chart another month or so before doing another at home insem.  We purchased 4 vials already and doing that felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders.  I was so tired of feeling worn down because we didn't have a baby and I knew we needed to try a few more times before I'm all dried up.  I turn 40 this year.  Heck, Halley Berry can do it...I should be able to as well.  HAHA!!

I've enjoyed reading blogs over the years and I can't stop no matter how indifferent they sometimes make me feel.  I've been so overjoyed at all the successes (after my mini breakdown) and love reading all of the fun and sweet things each of your families have shared. Here's to a great Summer!!

What's New Pussycat?

This year is just flying by - can't believe we are in September already!  It's less than 2 months from our failed IVF cycle - WOW!  Outside of the 'no baby blues' - it's been an ok Summer.  We haven't done anything exciting but just enjoyed the great weather, family, friends and time together.  My nieces are growing like little weeds.  M is now 28 months and A is 13 months.  While I love my little girls so so much little A holds a special place in my heart because the timing of my sister getting pregnant with her was when we were actively trying.  I was so heartbroken when she told us (Xmas 2010) from so many unsuccessful tries and then my sister announces she's pregnant...I could have killed her!  (not literally)  I had so much jealousy and pain but it passes of course with time because I'm not a horrible person and of course I don't wish infertility on anyone who wishes for a baby but it's a green monster of jealousy nonetheless.  I enjoy my time with those girls and truly miss them every day I'm not around them.  I take lots of photos and videos and will watch them often.  I look at A and how much she's grown and all things she's doing and it warms my heart but also sometimes makes me shed a tear that why couldn't we have been blessed with a cutie this same age.  I had the D&C in December and if that try would have "stuck", we would have had a baby in late July.  I had some quiet days that week but I didn't allow myself to suffer.  There's some silly reason it didn't work and I have to find peace with that but it's hard to do when I still don't have a baby.  Well - I'm jumping off my soapbox now...

My last update was in March and I mentioned that I was focusing on a weighloss challenge at work...well folks... I WON!!!  It was so awesome to win of course but the best part was the weightloss which was 37 pounds (18%).  The last few weeks were brutal and I knew I couldn't keep up the "diet" of no carbs and wayyyyyyyyyyy too many vegetables but there was this gal that was in the lead the whole time and to be quite honest...quite a BI-OTCH so of course I had to beat her!!  And I did by 1/2 pound.  She was such a sore loser and didn't talk to me for 4 or so days after it ended.  We sit 3 cubicles away from each other so it was so uncomfortable but I held my head high because it showed her true colors.  She's no longer here anymore so I'm thankful for that.  It was never the same after that!  Anywho - I've gained a little of the weight back - about 7 lbs - but I'm struggling because I assume I have planters fasciitis since I was walking/running 5+ days a week during the competition.  I went from being a walker on the treadmill or outside with nice weather to actually running.  I ran my first 7k on St. Patrick's Day with a 54 minute time.  I was so excited!  And now...my darn heal/foot is so sore when I do exercise, wear the wrong shoes, rest for too long...blah!  I need to go in and have it actually diagnosed but I'm a google person (aren't we all with the TTC journey??) so have tried doing some of those remedies.  It surprises me how much I actually miss the running...never in a million years would I have thought I would say something like that.  But I need to get back on track with eating more healthy dinners and doing some exercise so I can lose about another 15 lbs to get me to my goal.

Also in my last post I mentioned that we had 1 donor vial (not washed-ICI) still in storage at our andrology lab place.  We have decided to use the last one as an at home try - do the "turkey baster" route.  We haven't tried this route yet so this will most likely be a shot in the dark but we can't keep paying $50 every 3 months for one single vial.  But obviously there is a lower % chance it can work and has worked with many of you folks out here but we need to be realistic to avoid a tailspin to insanity if it doesn't work.  We will be praying to anyone that listens that's for sure!!!  I talked to my doctor and she agrees it's worth a shot and helped explain what to do and gave us the catheter and syringe to use.  I'm kind of confused why we need all that stuff because I thought the vial was already in a needleless syringe so I may have to call her and discuss some more.  I feel like I left her office knowing exactly what to do and then got home and explained it all to Spice and then she asked a bunch of questions and now I'm confused!!!  I've been googling lots and reaching out to blog friends as well for the nitty-gritty details.  I am currently on day two of my period so we are trying to decide if we are going to do the insemination this month or wait till next.  We also are not telling anyone in "real life" but of course I had to tell someone - so why not blogland! 

If you are still reading - please send some baby thoughts our way!  Stay tuned!!

Keep me hanging on..........

Hello blogland!  I can't believe it's been just over 2 months since my last post.  To be honest...I didn't think I would ever post again but I just felt like putting my mood on "paper".  I just re-read my last post and most of the "pain" comes rushing back but most days I'm holding my head high.  I have a few weak days...but I'm human.  It happens.  Our plan was not to be empty handed...we still pray for some miracles but for now - we move forward.  We have moments - typically around my nieces (7 months/21 months) - when Spice and I look at each other and we know what the other is thinking..."sure wish we had one of those little angels of our own".  But it wasn't meant to be at this time, if ever, so we smother those girls with our love and find other things to keep us busy.

My current busy project is exercising and changing my eating habits.  I come from a family of eaters.  We love to cook and try new things and love to eat!.  We are a hearty bunch!    It all started early January at work...monthly cake day for birthdays.  Quite funny really...all scarfing down cake and started talking about resolutions and how most of us wanted to lose weight.  So we started a Biggest Loser competition with a $50 entrance fee...11 joined so we are looking at a $500 first prize and $50 second place.  How awesome would it be to not only lose weight but then win $500...SHOPPING!!!!  So far 7 weeks in...down 13.5 lbs.  Pretty excited!!  I expected more than that because I'm considered "obese" at 31 BMI but I'm losing weight the right way which is eating smaller meals with healthier foods and exercising.  It's tough...and I struggle some days but I'm so dedicated that there is no stopping me right now.  I'm starting to jog on the treadmill and even signed up for a 7k on St. Patrick's Day.  I feel so good and am starting to finally see some results.  It's tough to bust your butt and not see any differences.  But slowly I'm getting there.  Final weigh in is May 8th so 10 more weeks.  Can't wait!!! 

In other news...while there are no plans to do another IVF cycle since money doesn't grow on trees...we do have to make a decision with 1 remaining donor sperm vial.  It's currently being stored for free until mid March but then it's $50 a quarter.  So of course...we don't want to just throw it away but not sure what to do with it.  We had done plenty of IUIs with the doctor but unfortunately my health coverage changed with my employer.  I had great insurance coverage  (minus IVF coverage) before that paid for all of my IUI appointments including the monitoring.  Well now...it's an account based one so there's a little money in a "free" account and once that's gone...I have to pay out of pocket till I reach the 4k out of pocket maximum. So we don't know what to do.  We've considered ICI since it's an ICI sample but Spice is panicked about that.  I've tried reading up on it and it seems complicated.  I joked with Spice that maybe it's as simple as we get it thawed and I put my legs up on the back of the couch and shoot it in.  We are by no means thinking this would truly result in a pregnancy but I'd rather do that than throw it away.  Since it's just 1 vial...we also don't want to buy a bunch of stuff to do it since it really is just one vial.  In a fantasy world...this would work.  The simplest try works!  I figure losing weight may change my bodies dynamic so who knows....

If anyone is still reading...have you done simple, at home insems?  Any advice?  Even if it's graffic...I have no clue if Spice and I could manage it ourselves. 

Outside of that...I still read blogs weekly and love hearing the good news so while I'm mostly silent...this community still means the world to me!!  Until next time...lots of baby luck and hope everyone gets what they want in 2012!!  Take care!!

Still healing

I've started this post so many times and couldn't find the right words to say.  I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post and getting near a month since my D&C on the 10th.  Life has not been favorable for Spice and I the last 6 weeks.  We've been knocked down from the small little pedestal that we enjoyed being on for barely a week.  We didn't get the chance to even "really" be excited for more than a few days.  After our low beta start of 14 - I wasn't optimistic till I thought - geez, I should be happy to finally get a BFP - first time after 13 BFNs.  Spice was being the cheerleader for us both because I was tired.  And then the more tests we took - the "tired" turned into sadness and anger and resentment and lonely and frustrated and humiliated and, and, and I could go on forever.  After our 233 beta test on 11/23 we got 570 on 11/30.  Then the real disheartening thing happened when the Dr made me come in and do an U/S because she was concerned it could be a tubal pregnancy.  I panicked, Spice panicked - it was horrible.  I was so negative about everything and hated life because I thought for sure it would be an ectopic pregnancy and something was going to go wrong - middle of the night bleeding, emergency room surgery, loss of a tube, or death.  I know the last one is rare but it's written on the stupid websites so of course - I panicked about EVERYTHING that could happen because why would we all of sudden have something good happen!!!  But during the U/S the Dr saw a little something in my uterus so she was less worried.  Another two blood tests: 12/1= 622 and 12/6=624 so barely climbing but still not going down so a miscarriage was on it's way but they had no idea when.  Options were to wait (could take weeks, months), take medication to cause cervix to open and miscarry (OBGYN said it could be quite painful and may still need D&C later or more meds) or D&C.  I went with a D&C.  I figured I couldn't start "healing" till this embryo was gone.  It never even moved to the title of fetus - so unbelievably sad. 

My regular doctor did the D&C and I went under for the procedure.  There was an option to stay partially awake and alert enough to talk to the doctors - UH NO WAY!!!  I didn't want to hear any part of what they were going to have to do.  It went ok and I didn't have much pain afterwards that advil didn't fix.  I spotted for 2 weeks after which was a nice daily reminder of what I just went through.  I had my follow up appointment on 12/22 and got the "not pregnant" result they were hoping for.  Merry Christmas!  I know, I know - this happened for a reason.  As the doctor said - something was wrong.  Chromosomes were missing maybe and the embryo didn't develop as it should.  In the perfect world and given the choice - of course we would like a child with two arms, two legs and a wonderful, functional mind, body and soul - but why couldn't we have been given the perfect baby after all of our trying and heartache?  Why couldn't some greater force realize that this was our last chance?  That we have no more money for IVF.  That now we are not going to have a baby in our life.  That we will not be a family of 3 because this was our last chance.  Why?  That's what I want to know (rhetorically speaking because there is no good answer that I'm satisfied with).  There are many things that I don't understand but find serenity in knowing there is a reason for everything but how can someone justify to me why I won't be a mother.  Spice definitely wanted to be a mother also but it was a different level of want.  My want is intensified beyond every dream I've ever had as a child, adolescent and an adult.  There will remain a piece of me that will remain empty.  Commercials, movies, people passing by me, blogs I read, my own nieces and so many other things I see and hear make me sad.  Some days are ok and I only cry inside and some days - I just can't function.  Why is this "plan" for me?  It's simply not fair!!!  I know many of you have been here and have gotten your wish so it does happen.  Maybe things will change in the future but money certainly doesn't grow on trees and I definitely am not getting any younger.  I just turned 38 and it would be years before we could pull together some money but then - my body may say it's too late.  It hurts and it sucks to put it simply.

So now what - this has been a short lived blog hasn't it.  I obsessively read everyone's blogs every day which is almost on the verge of a sickness especially with me being so sad all the time. But I can't stop.  I want to celebrate with the women who have been through this and have success stories to tell.  I feel it's my duty.  I just wish mine would have ended with a success.

Heartbroken

So I'm writing this with a shake in my body and tears in my eyes.  The HCG only went to 233 from 28 in a week.  The doc said it should be in the 1000s by now.  I said but I started off so low - should it really be that high in a week and she said that at a bare minimum it should be at 240 so she is considering it a non-viable pregrancy and a miscarriage will be coming.  She can't say when.  I go back in a week and she said it could go up a little more or just stay flat and it will then start going down.  I can't believe this is it.  It's over.  THis was our absolute last chance and it's done.

Spotty, spotter-ton

Ok folks - lets start with my POAS extravaganza.  I know it's only 3 but the first two - I didn't keep.  DUH!  They were so, so light that even my own human eye could barely see it but I knew it was there!  So, looks good right??  (just figured out my days are wrong - first one is right, then it should be 14DP5DT and 16DP5DT - silly girl)

These little sticks are keeping me sane!  Because let me tell you - I spot some serious TMI stuff down there.  I cry, I get angry, I'm happy, I'm sad...up, down, up, down.  Grrrr!!!  [insert TMI...you are warned]  It started last Saturday (7DP5DT) and was the light pink, brownish type.  I'm still on endometrin suppositories so I've been wearing a little liner for weeks now so it's nothing those little bad boys can't handle.  Nothing excessive.  That was for a day and half.  Then I got the low beta of 14 last Monday.  So at this point...I'm thinking this is over!  Then I doubled on Wednesday...YEAH!  No more spotting until Friday.  This time it was different - it was more red and really just looked like the start of my period.  [panic] So I worked a half day on Friday and went home and peed on that darn stick.  It was the 13DP5DT and it was much darker and prettier than the other.  So my spirits lifted a little but I was really concerned because everything I've read says red is NOT good.  So I vegged all afternoon and night Friday and then POAS on Saturday (says 15 but should be 14) since the spotting started changing colors.  Gross I know - I told my mom it was like a choc milk shake and she about threw up!  LOL!  So sorry...TMI!!  Sunday was good but still some light, light spotting of the light brown nature.  And then this morning - no spotting overnight but some during the day.  POAS above that says 17 is actually 16 from this morning and it was the prettiest of them all.  Sigh!  Why am I spotting so much?  Did ya'll have that?  I know others have had spotting but is it constant like this?  Again - it's not loads of it but enough for me to notice and to think of putting stock in panty liners.  Ha!

As far as any other symptoms - nothing really. Which is a little concerning for us worry-warts.  My ta-ta's are sore but nothing crazy like you all have suggested and I had a good headache/migraine Saturday night but that's about it.  I only have 2 more nights before the hopeful third [and final] AWESOME beta.  I only have one more stick so I'm going to hold off till Wed morning before the appointment.

Hope everyone has some free time this holiday week to be with family!  Talk to you Wednesday!!!

Double- on the rocks please!!

So my beta did double from 14 to 28 so that's good but again...really wished it would have squeaked a little higher to put a bigger smile on my face and let me breathe a little easier but...I will take this challenge and see how it goes.  My actual RE doctor called me with the results (weird) so I started to panic instantly....normally it's just a nurse.  I asked her if I should be preparing myself for bad news...and she said "absolutely not".  So again - good.  Then she said that they want me to come back in a WEEK.  A week???  not a few days?? OMG!  [insert sweating] So - a week it is.  I completely forgot to mention that I had some light, light, light pink and pale brown-ish spotting on Saturday (7dp5dt) night and into part of Sunday.  We knew spotting was common but I didn't think it would be that late for implantation.  But I asked the Doc about it and she said...it's just part of the process.  If it's red...and a lot...then be worried but for now...sounds normal.  She also said that I shouldn't be surprised if there is some more spotting over the next week - again don't panic just take it easy.  My progesterone level was normal (i'm doing endometrin supps) - thank goodness!  I did take two HPT that were leftover from my IUI days and Ovulation kits - both came back with a very, very, very, VERY light 2nd line.  Again - asked the Doc and she said that HPTs don't even register till your HCG is at least 25 and I am just now 28 so I shouldn't take that result as a sign.  So I'm thinking...buy a bulk bag of HPTs and pee like crazy over the next week and see what happens???  Hahaha!!  Ok maybe not bulk but pretty sure we will want to test a few times before then.  I'm not feeling the cannonballer approach this next week...I may have to walk slowly into the water. LOL!

So ladies - another week!  Ahhhhhh!!!! 

I have a few things this week and weekend to keep me busy but jeepers...a week is tough!  For starters...I'm a Twi-hard...so Breaking Dawn is on my list tomorrow night with early showing tickets with a friend.  yeah!

Thanks ya'll for your support and prayers!  Keep em coming...you helped me double!!

p.s. question I keep forgetting to ask....when I've seen the HCG level brackets and such it says LMP and days after conception...what day do IVFers consider the conception?  Is it the retrieval?  Is it the transfer?  Is it when sperm meets egg? So confusing!  My retrieval was 10/31 and my transfer was 11/5 - so where am I?

Too kind...

I wanted to extend a virtual hug to those that commented on my post yesterday.  It was short and full of negativity so I thank all of you for taking the time to support me and send me good thoughts and sticky vibes.  It means the world!  Also "K" - thank you for sending me that link.  I hadn't seen that before since this is my first time on IVF and a true beta test to report anything "positive".  It lifted my spirits a little bit because there are others out there that started in the same boat as me and had beautiful children.  I did a million google searches on level 14.  One thing I noticed which is weird...it was Nov. 14th, 14DPO, and Beta 14...little odd so I tried making a positive spin on that too.  Anything at this point because the first few hours after the call was terrible!!!  I managed to pick myself back up so that Spice and I could enjoy our 9 year anny.  We had a great dinner and watched Monday night football [shocker].  Mellow and sweet.

So tomorrow is the 2nd beta so we will see what happens.  C'mon double, triple,....something!  We've always had to work hard at everything we "want" so I guess this just falls into our normal routine.  Fingers crossed!!

Well....

14....

yep 14 is our first beta.  I wasn't looking for record breaking numbers but something besides 14.  My heart sunk..I've read the websites, seen the blogs...14 is nothing to get excited about...it's actually the opposite.  I bursted in tears after the call.  Even the nurse didn't even sound positive so why should I?  I'm just crushed.  I guess I won't know for sure till after Wed repeat of tests.

I guess it's better than nothing at all but c'mon...how am I suppose to be excited about that when others are like 100s or 1000s....just sad right now.

Keep me hanging on...

Well folks - today is 6dp5dt and I still have my sanity!  LOL!  Spice and I made a crazy, pinky swear kind of pact that we are not going to POAS...crazy right?  I know.  My first beta is Monday so it's only 3 days away but knowing that so many bloggers start testing on day 6 is driving me nutso!  But...I pinky swore...so no cheating!  Spice knows me all to well...and if I got a negative - even once - I would assume the worst and that wouldn't exactly help me stay positive the rest of the weekend so we are going the "cannonball" route.  Someone blogged about that and I'm so sorry I can't remember who...but awesome way to describe a non-POASer.  So Monday it is...

As far as any symptoms...not really.  I had cramping and little twitches here and there for the first 3-4 days but nothing the last few except ta-ta soreness but with my melons...it's not anything shocking..LOL! So no spotting, no queasy, no headaches...bummer!  This is the only time I would hope for something like that. I was super tired last night/into this morning but again...I'm a sleep lover so not too shocking.  I'm going crazy with low activity and lifting (I know...it's worth it) so I feel helpless around the house.  My sweet Spice loves to clean and do laundry [spoiled woman here] so she hasn't let me touch a thing.  Bless her heart!  I'm staring out the window at a ton of leaves on the ground and so want to rake them up...but we decided it wasn't a good idea! (i'm off today...I'm in banking)  But...yeah for me...picking up doggie poopy is definitely low impact...SWEET!!!  Ha! So that's my "chore" for today and now you are all blessed with knowing that...so sorry!

There is some great news to share for Spice...I had mentioned she's been interviewing and testing for her dream job...well she got offered the position on Thursday...WOOOOOOT WOOT!  I couldn't be more happier for her...brought tears to my eyes when she called me.  It's one of those things where you try so hard but doors keep getting shut in your face...she never backed down and it finally paid off!  This is definitely helping in staying positive.  So with Monday beta day...also our 9 year anniversary...how could we not be pregnant right?  Well at least that's the energy we are going with.  I'm working from home that day and she's off work so when we get the call...we will be together.  We have to be pregnant...we have to be!  I feel mostly great about it but there is also that side of me that remembers the other 13 BFN phone calls.  My heart will break [again] if it's a no...this was our last possible chance with no freeze babies unless we win the lottery so WE HAVE TO BE PREGNANT!!!!  It's the month of "thanks" and I plan on thanking everyone and everything if there's a positive in the end.

Enjoy your weekend...I'm going to go enjoy some sunshine and dog doo!  Ha!

I will take two embryos...sunny side up please!

I'm into my 2nd day of horizontal rest...jeepers I thought this would be a cinch!  I'm going crazy already.  My father in law was hanging with me last night so we watched Zookeeper and Bad Teacher.  They were ok...not great by any means.  I love Kevin James from Zookeeper...just looking at him makes me laugh.  He's such a goof.  The rest of the night was random shows and some DVR stuff.  Today..I'm going to switch it up a little and do some computer stuff, start reading Water for Elephants and maybe a little Netflix streaming of TV shows...maybe old school like Ally McBeal, thirtysomething or some other classic. 

So to the good stuff.  We had our transfer yesterday.  We got there around 8 and they had us change into our little outfits...Spice looked so cute in her scrubs...I might have to buy her a pair...yow!  No worries Finch and Wren...we remembered our camera so we took a few goofball photos looking sexy with hair bonnets and no makeup on for me but it was so fun!  Then the visits started with a nurse to give details and restrictions for the next 48 hours then Mr. Doc came in with the embryo status and the two best were in "B" status which means they were excellent blastyocysts (see pic below).  The other 5 were still dividing but slowed down dramatically so he said to be honest...it's not looking like there will be any freeze babies.  (and I can confirm...during the first paragraph of this post I received the call..none made it)  But Mr. Doc said they are beautiful and look wonderful and I said I hope so...a little panicked.  So now it's official...this is truly our Hail Mary and if it doesn't work...it just wasn't meant to be.  BUT...I have such a good feeling for this and my Spice's career job to all happen this month.  We've had our ups and downs and fought hard to get where we are now and I feel like luck and chance are finally on our side. 

So I digress...before we left for the appointment I had to drink 32 oz of water and be done with that 45 mins before the appointment.  I had a 50 oz Smart Water and added some lemon to it and I guzzled my 32 oz pretty easily.  My anxiety peeing syndrome (to Heather's comment...like a puppy..ha!) did ok...I talked myself out of having to pee.  I also had the Valium in my system so maybe that helped too.  The whole transfer was over very quickly...they took pictures for us as the embies went in...doesn't look like much but it's still cool to think it's the very first pictures of a baby.  So cool!  Then they had me lay there for about 15 mins then I got to go potty and then back to laying down under a warm blanket and heat bubble thing for another 20 mins or so.  Odd "sign" was that we were released from the bed rest at 9:22 which is my birthday.  Spice and I were like OMG...how cool!  We see the 9:22 at very interesting times so it was pretty exciting to have another example. 

Next stop was suppose to be acupuncture but my gal didn't call us back.  I was so bummed!  So we ventured home and during that drive she had called and apologized.  Her phone was on silent and Saturdays are her sleep in days (she has 7 kids). She offered to come to the house...how cool is that?  So she arrived about an hour after we got home.  I found a "slow jams" kind of satellite channel and she did her magic and then she went upstairs and read a book while I relaxed for 20 minutes.  It was soothing.  I heard Whitney Houston "I will always love you" and Sade "By your side"...two excellent songs.  I haven't felt panicked so far so I believe that she has helped. 

So that's about it...for now.  And of course..now we wait.  Ladies...you know how I feel.  I will continue my blog reading and with this daily blog month thingy for Nov...I'm hoping to see much more to read.  Thank you to everyone who commented over the few posts with well wishes and stories.  They truly mean so much and make me smile!  So thank you!

Well...time to queue up the netflix and eat some pineapple!  Spice is doing AWESOME at taking care of me...she said I'm milking it a little when I asked for a straw...hahahahaha!!!  Enjoy your Sunday folks!!

p.s. for music lovers...I just purchased the new Florence + the Machine...so good!  "Shake it Out" is my fave at the moment especially with the line "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back...so shake him off".  Big fan!!!

ET phone home...

We are officially ready for our transfer tomorrow...sooo excited!  We started with 10 follies which turned out to really only be 9 since they said 1 was just a mass.  So on Wed morning they said 8 were fertilized and were dividing nicely.  They had said there could be a chance of a day 6 transfer but thank goodness they stuck with day 5.  This morning we are at 7 embryos that are still dividing nicely.  They rate their embies on a 1,2,3 scale with 1 the best.  She said that most of my 7 are at the 2 level.  She said we could still end up with a one tomorrow but she said twos are wonderful.  She said they don't rate ones very often so I should be happy with their progress so far.  She said they wouldn't disturb them until tomorrow morning right before the transfer.  They will pick the two best for the fresh transfer and then if there are leftovers...in the freezer they go.  Spice and I have to be there at 8am for the 830 appt.  I have to take my valium (never been on it...) at 730 and drink 32 oz of water 45 minutes before the appointment and not go to the bathroom....this should be interesting.  I have "anxiety peeing" syndrome...or at least that's what I call it.  Whether it's going into a long meeting, training, airplane ride and definitely doctor appointments I panic and need to go pee a zillion times.  Of course I will do what I'm told...I'm a star student! ha!  I've already queued up my Netflix with a bunch of TV shows I've always wanted to watch so I can be lazy.  I took Monday off to just to be sure.  With all of the money going into this baby making...we want this to stick!

I had my acupuncture appt on Thurs afternoon...that was pretty cool.  She was wonderful to talk to and I felt completely comfortable.  I've never been big believer in any herbal, chinese type methods of healing and such so I went in with an open mind.  We chatted for about an hour about TTC and other issues I have such as lower back pain when sleeping, snoring [Spice goes crazy] and constant weight gain.  Obviously my first plan of attack is for the IVF cycle so she is going to focus on that and after a baby...then she will tackle some of the other stuff if I want to go back.  She put some pins on my feet, ankle, knee, hand, center of eyes and the top of my head.  I relaxed for 15 minutes and almost fell asleep...I felt good.  She then placed a few beads in my left ear to rub...I'm not so sure about those so when I go in after the transfer I will have her take those off.  So that's the plan after the transfer and then I will lay like broccoli for 3 days. 

Spice's dad is in town so he will be helping me on Saturday night after 3pm since she is working.  He's a sweet man so it will be cute to see if he fusses over me...LOL!  I made a goulash for dinner so Papa Spice only has to throw it in the oven.  I use to eat this a lot as a kid.  I'm pretty excited for it tomorrow.  I'm trying to surround myself by stuff that makes me happy.  My retrieval and transfer outfit consists of a pair of sweatpants that use to belong to my Dad (he passed away 6 yrs ago), bunny & heart socks from my mom, fave tshirt from a San Diego trip and my Spice girls' tennies.  How's that for positive energy?? Goofy...maybe but hey...I'm pulling out all stops!

Well going to google a few more things tonight and then get some rest before the big day! We are so excited!!!  My cup runneth over!

ER

Happy belated Halloween!!  I normally love handing out candy and seeing all the cuties dressed up but this year...it was a little bit different.  We had our retrieval on Halloween bright and early at 6:30am.  Well we sat around for at least 30 mins before most of the staff started to even show up.  We got to the office and there was no one there...it was a ghost town so of course I thought "shoot did I get the time wrong" so we started knocking on doors and finally someone came out.  Tried to relax while waiting by reading the paper...nothing like forgetting your current situation like reading about crime and murders.  They called us back to a prep room and I got sexied up in a gown, robe and fabulous blue booty slippers and a poofy hair net.  Roar!  Then a little bit of instructions for what's going to take place and a few introductions of the anesthesiologist, retrieval Doc (who wasn't my normal Doc..grrr) and nurse.  Off I went then to another room and got all cozied up under a warm blanket and a little fun juice in my arm.  ahhhh I felt special!  Then it starts to get hazy here...I remember someone coming in and started putting my legs in the stirrups and then...POOF...I was back in the room with Spice.  Crazy!  I don't like losing control like that but for a baby...anything!!  I guess when I was coming to I overheard the nurse and the anesthesiologist talking about a number and they said 97 and I instantly said "what!  you got 97 eggs" and everyone laughed but it was something else they were monitoring.  Haha!!  I didn't even remember saying that.  What a hoot. 

But the real count is 10.  During their visits before the procedure everyone said that I wouldn't get a call till day 2 and day 4 on how they are progressing so I've been going crazy today!  But it's now almost 7pm so only a short while before I get the call.  She said they usually call around noon.  I'm hoping for at least 2 good ones for the transfer but an extra 2 would be great as freeze babies  for a FET if by chance it was needed.  But glass half full is my logo today.  As far as how I'm feeling...pretty darn good.  Just like Finch said...nothing I won't be able to handle and that's exactly it.  It's more uncomfortable if I have to pee, laugh or just getting up...but it's not bad at all.  Holding your pee is not an option...if I have to go...start moving towards that bathroom.  It hurts otherwise.  It doesn't help that I've been drinking Gatorade like crazy.  I worked from home today so it was an easy day.  I'm back to the office tomorrow and waiting for the call.  Looks like a day 5 but a day 3 is possible if only a couple of embryos are left by tomorrows phone call so it will be a big day tomorrow.  If it's Saturday...that would be awesome...no vacation time since I would recover Sat and Sun.  Nice!

On a side note...Spice had her 3rd round on her interview process for her new hopeful position...it went really well!  I'm so proud of her and hope this is it!  It would be a great month of November if we get a baby and her a new job and it's our 9 year anniversary!  I'm hopeful....

Tick Tock...

Here I am...Sunday night, full day of football (kicked butt in Fantasy Football), awesome turkey dinner and trying to not climb the walls with excitement.  Tomorrow is the official retrieval day...we report for duty at 6:30am.  Yowsers but must say...glad it's early or else I would be pacing waiting for a later appointment.  My sweet Spice will be able to be there with me me...we were worried that she might be called in for a very important 3rd portion of an interview that she could not miss on my retrieval day.  Phew!  I had a good friend on standby since my Mom does not drive on the highways [lame-o] and only felt comfortable with a small few to be there for me for something so special but one less thing to worry about.  This will be my first time being in a "hospital type" role of being the patient and being put under and IVs and such.  Pretty nervous but hopefully all for nothing!  My Saturday visit was filled with more good news of good lining, good number of follies and everything looked "good".  I was hoping for "great". I hate to say this but I was completely bummed as I heard the U/S tech read my follie sizes to the nurse.  She had a few large follies coming in at 20, 22, 23 that the nurse didn't even record because i'm sure by Monday morning they would be "gone".  But there are 8 over 15 with a few as big as 18/19.  The nurse said not to worrry about it because there were still a bunch of others right behind with 10 or so "small" ones on each side.  We will see!  Only takes one right???  I should be greatful with anything over 2.  I think I just got my hopes up for a football team when I started with the over achiever talks from the Doc but I am completely greatful that at this point OHSS is not going to be an issue.  But Spice has prepared the cupboards with a ton of Smart Water, Gatorade, and a bunch of protein.  So I will be a good little patient and stock up just in case. 

I love Halloween so what a great way to spend my day...getting us one step closer to our touchdown!  Pretty stoked!!  I will update tomorrow with my stats.  Night!! 

Day 7 on meds - 2nd U/S

As Spice was giving me my shot this morning I was thinking geez I've only been on meds for only 7 days...I would have guessed at least 2 weeks.  Time has been going so slow...well that was until I went to the center this morning for my 2nd U/S and B/W and they said it's looking like Mon or Tues next week for the retrievel.  WHAT? WHEN? WAIT...am I ready??  I had it in my head that it would be late next week Thurs or Fri but I think that was wishful thinking.  I was thinking wouldn't that be slick if the retrievel was Friday and then POOF here's the weekend so I wouldn't have to use much vacation in case I needed more than 24 hours to rest.  So when I asked for an estimate today she said...maybe Mon or Tues.  OMG!!!!  So of course now I feel like things are rushed but I'm sure this weekend will drag...crazy little roller coaster!  The follies were developing nicely she said and the nurse was quite excited that I'm sitting with 11 follies over 11mm with 2 of them leading the posse at 14.5.  There are still a whole bunch on each side but they don't measure unless it's 11 or higher.  She did say my right ovary was playing a little peak-a-boo with her so I had to turn on my side and she put some pressure on my tummy.  With all of that earlier talk of way too many follicles for my age, PCOS and OHSS...I hope this is a sign that we are being well taken care of with 11 front runners and this will be a complete success.  All in all...what a great day!! 

So as soon as I get home from work tonight I need to start the ganirelix shots and then switch it back to early mornings with the Menopur until the Ovidrel which could be Sunday.  SUNDAY people!!!!  WOW!  My estrogen level was 750 so she said it's good as long as it continues to get higher which it is so YEAH!!  I go back in on Saturday morning bright and early at 7:30am and Sunday.  It's amazing how I pop up nice and early when I have these early appts for baby making but for regular work days...slow mover in the AM.  Ha!  I walked out of the appointment with a big smile and feel really excited.  I texted Spice right away and she let her job know that she will need the time off but won't know till Sunday for sure.  They were cool about it...so glad we both have managers that are so understanding of these last minute appointments.

In other news...I made an appointment for acupuncture that was suppose to be on Tuesday afternoon but looks like I am going to have to reschedule that.  [yeah] I have not done this before but in reading most TTC blogs...it's received a very positive response.  I was back and forth about it but then decided to call around and talk to a few places and see what vibe I recieved from them.  This one gal was very calm and made me feel comfortable discussing my situation and my reasonings for going.  She specializes in infertility so she explained her process and recommended a few visits - in particular the day of transfer.  I was thinking it was going to be too late for me to start and I wouldn't get the right energy flowing but she said it's definitely not too late.  She was reasonabley priced so I'm hoping I can reschedule my first visit to get ready before my transfer day.  I think it will be good for me to relax..I'm kind of high strung but more internally...most people would have no clue because I'm pretty easy going on the outside.  Spice would have a different response to that but she sees me in the best of times and the worst...that's what real love is about, right?!  LOL!!  So many new experiences...I just hope to end this all with parenthood as our next roller coaster ride!!

Take care!

First huddle...

I had my first "huddle" today..aka ultrasound and BW after starting stims (Menopur/Follistim) last Friday.  She said my lining was good at 7 1/2 (I don't really know what that means?? need to google that) and then she started measuring my follies.  They don't measure anything under 11 so I had a total of 5 at that size with 3 on my right and 2 on my left.  While she said it was normal and great...I of course had to come into the office and back track on some of my IVFers out there and see what sizes they had.  She also counted about 10-12 small ones still on each side as well that she said could continue to grow and be in the running for ER.  I go back in on Thurs morning for another check.  I had blood taken but they will call later if I need to change up my meds at all but for now...she said "stick" (pun intended) with what I am doing so far.

So about the shots since I haven't posted since we began ...we started Friday morning with Menopur and Spice was able to do that one for me bright and early!  We are doing 6am for Menopur and 6pm for Follistim.  The first one wasn't too bad but it did burn and left a small mark.  Then that night I was running solo since she was working and that wasn't as smooth.  I was so nervous...I started sweating and breathing faster.  It took me a zillion "1,2,3 go" cheers in my head before I finally did it (after about 10 mins of trying) and then I forgot to release my chub squeeze so blood dribbled out afterwards.  And then I thought...did I just lose all of my meds?  LOL!  It wasn't much blood so I knew I was being a freak but c'mon ladies...like you wouldn't of thought the same thing!  :)  That shot also was the only one that bruised up for now.  I did a few more myself over the weekend and while it got a little easier...the sweats were still there and they took between 5-10 mins to actually stick myself.  So Spice has been a peach in doing them for me and waking up at 6am when she didn't get to bed from work till midnight or so.  We've got our eye on the ball and this shot business is what we need to make our dream come true so all smiles!!  As far as side affects...nothing yet.  Sometimes feel a ping here and there around the ovaries but it could be gas (LOL) from all the veggies I've been trying to eat.  Spice thinks I've been more cheesey and lovey so she teases me about that but hey...little sweetness can't be bad!!!  Better than the devil!!!

So that's what I've been up to lately!!  I wanted to put a public prayer out here for fellow bloggers, Hope and Wren, that their precious babies stay put and keep growing healthy!  Every positive vibe I can scrounge up is being sent your way!!

Ready, Set, Go....

Well it's a GO for tomorrow morning that is...we are officially starting our shots tomorrow after today's baseline and B/W.  I went first thing this morning and got there a little early (20 mins) so I was expecting to hang around the lobby for a bit but NOPE...no chance for panic to set in...they called me back within a few minutes of sitting down.  Barely got the seat warmed up..LOL!  "clothes off waist down and we will be right in"...it went so fast...I don't remember what she said for my lining but she counted 19 small on the right and 18 small on the left.  Wow!  Being a panic kind of gal...I thought for a split second when she had to put a little pressure on my belly that she was gonna say..."I'm sorry - you are all dried up" but bless the heavens, I have a bunch.  So she said I was all set to start meds tomorrow and I come back on Tuesday morning.  A part of me turned from being nervous to excited!  I can't wait for Tuesday to see how the meds take over my little follies..so excited!  I'm even a bit excited to start this shots business because I've put so much fear and anxiety into it...it's awesome to finally be here.  Ask me again after a week of taking them...I may have another adjective for my feelings. [kidding]  I'm thinking I may have to buy myself some shots celebration pants.  The couple of work pants that I wear weekly are not exactly roomy so if my business is going to be bloating...I may need some extra room for expansion.  Any excuse to buy a few things...teee heee.

So in other news - I watched a special that was on "My Style" network called "Sperm Donor - 74 kids and more on the way".  While I felt it was great to see a show on something that is so near and dear to our family and potential family...it left me being kind of upset.  We ended up choosing a donor that was anonymous but that was soley because of personality, physical characteristics and medical background all pointed to a donor that did not have the ID options at 18 for offspring.  If we had found a donor that was ID options at 18...we would have had no problem either.  But the problem with the show for me was that they called it "fathering" 74 children and his friend talked about him being a Dad...while I don't know if that was their intention...it bugged me the further the show went.  A single mother used his sperm for both of her children and she opted to meet him when her kids were like 8 and under.  My opinion is that is way too early to do something like that, if ever.  Then she started saying that hopefully he will be in some way a part of their lives...WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.  It was suppose to be anonymous and it felt like she was backtracking and it drove me crazy.  Maybe I'm overreacting but I didn't care for the single mothers portion of the show.  I did however really enjoy the siblings connecting and think it's good that the options are there with the DSR but in all honesty...I hope our child (when we are blessed) has enough love and support and doesn't feel left out and feel that extra need to bond with others who are genetically matched to them in some way.  If it happens down the road for us...then so be it but we will smother our child with love hoping that our family is enough.  Is that selfish of me?  It's a tough subject and I plan on doing A LOT of reading books, articles, blogs to help me with that. 

Well that was a rant...either way...wasn't sure if anyone else saw that show and what they thought.  And don't worry...if you don't agree with me...I can take it!  :)  I tried putting the link below.

http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/b7656_74_kids_more_on_way_style_presents.html